The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact–12.06.12

The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 12.06.12

Live from Orlando, FL

Your hosts are Todd Keneley, Mike Tenay & Taz

Bobby Roode, Christopher Daniels and Kazarian start us out with a promo about the PPV this weekend. Bobby GUARANTEES he’ll win the belt back from Hardy, but he’s a heel so that means nothing. However, he’s made an “investment”, so he’s probably got someone to be muscle for him. Daniels (wearing an “AvX” t-shirt to really let his comic geek show) calls out AJ Styles to complete the Fortune reunion, and points out that all his losing recently is because he’s a loser, not because of Daniels. AJ takes exception and attacks, and the heel beatdown is on. Storm and Hardy make the save, setting up the six-man main event tonight. Good enough.

TNA TV title: Samoa Joe v. Devon

Weird storyline here as Devon is the heel who was never beaten for his title, chasing the babyface. Joe pounds away with kicks and drops a knee, but Devon dumps him and gets two. Joe slugs back, but Devon cuts him off with an elbow for two. Splash gets two as Todd notes that Taz is a former champion. Wasn’t this belt basically invented a year ago for Eric Young? I don’t get that conversation. Anyway, Joe comes back with a senton and the slam out of the corner to set up the choke…and here’s Doc with his hammer, knocking out Joe while Hebner is distracted by a random girl, to give Devon the belt back at 4:00. Pretty crappy match. * If this angle was red-hot like the nWo and they HAD to put a belt on Devon to cash in on it, I could understand, but Devon has been nothing since the heel turn and it’s just dragging the belt down with it.

Meanwhile, Brooke Hogan is on the phone with a new signee, and Al Snow relates his lost weekend to D-Lo Brown.

Mickie James comes out to talk about her impending challenge for the title, and Tara follows for the argument. Velvet Sky returns for some reason, as I guess WWE wasn’t interested in a tatted thirty-something, and she’s dressed like a streetwalker tonight. Even more than usual. Apparently 2013 will be her year. Thanks for the heads up. Hopefully it’ll also be the year she lays off the hooker makeup a bit. This was a whole lot of nothing.

Meanwhile, Robbie E is too stupid to use an iPad. Like, he’s so dumb that he doesn’t grasp the fundamental concept behind a touchscreen. Yeah.

Chavo Guerrero & Hernandez v. Robbie E & Rob Terry

Hernandez throws Robbie E around, but Terry gets a cheapshot and pounds on Chavo in the heel corner. Robbie with a sideslam for two and he goes to the chinlock, but Chavo suplexes out of it and makes the somewhat hot tag to Hernandez. He destroys Robbie with a backbreaker for two and gets rid of Terry, then launches Robbie into the corner and Chavo finishes with the frog splash at 3:50. Joey Ryan comes out, literally saying “Look at me!” as a distraction, and the champs stupidly stand there yelling at him while Matt Morgan attacks from behind.

Meanwhile, the Aces celebrate with the girls. How are they drinking beer through those masks? Also, we learn that you can say “bullshit” on Spike as long as your voice is distorted. Good to know.

Meanwhile, Wes and Garrett assure Angle that they’ve got his back.

Meanwhile, Chavo promises that they’ll knock Joey Ryan down and step on his face at the PPV. That seems a bit harsh. Perhaps he should switch to decaf. But I guess the Christmas season is stressful for some people.

Kurt Angle v. Doc

Angle attacks in the corner to start and goes to work on the knee before running into a clothesline. They have some miscommunication on a spot and Doc eventually clotheslines him to the floor for some brawling out there, as Doc takes over. Back in, Angle comes back with a missile dropkick and hits the german suplexes. Doc reverses the Angle Slam into a big boot for two, but Angle throws yet another series of suplexes until Doc makes the ropes and goes low. Lariat gets two. Angle catches him with the anklelock, but Doc chokeslams out for two. Angle Slam and the STRAPS ARE DOWN, but here’s the Aces run-in for the DQ at 5:34. Got OK at the end thanks to Angle’s stubborn determination to be awesome, but you could see the finish coming from a mile away. **

Meanwhile, Bully DEMANDS a match with Austin Aries for the PPV, but Hulk is unwilling to give it to him for some reason.

Meanwhile, the voices in Jeff Hardy’s head are unsure about James Storm.

X-Division #1 Contender: Zema Ion v. Kenny King v. Kid Kash

Kash gets dumped to start and King puts Ion down with a spinkick, but Ion cuts off a dive attempt with a nasty clothesline for two. King comes back on Kash and drops a springboard legdrop for two, and reverses out of an Ion suplex attempt to hit one of his own. Kash breaks up the pin and takes Ion to the floor with a rana, and King hits them both with a dive. Ion does his own and goes up, but King brings him down to set up a tower of doom spot. Kash puts King into a Boston crab, but he escapes and kicks Ion down for two. Kash puts King on the floor with a rana and springboards in with a clothesline on Ion for two. He goes up and gets shoved to the floor, and King springboards back in on Ion and finishes him with the ROYAL FLUSH at 6:00. That’s an awesome name for a finisher. Why they don’t throw a couple of X guys out there and have them do a spotfest every week is beyond me, because this got the crowd going crazy even with a short match. ***

Meanwhile, Bully is upset about not getting his match and tells his cell phone about it.

Meanwhile, something is occurring on 1.3.13, which I would presume is Sting returning to avenge himself against Aces & Eights.

Bully Ray comes out for his protest as this insufferable storyline continues. Austin Aries comes out and promises to continue stand there berating Bully rather than confronting him, and this finally brings out Hogan to finally grant the match for some reason. Brooke accidentally calls Bully “Mark” and that’s apparently what convinces Hulk. I have no fucking clue what this stupid storyline is supposed to be about. Last week Hulk was obsessed with having someone kick Austin’s ass, and this week he doesn’t want Bully to fight him because it somehow wouldn’t be right for business? What?

Jeff Hardy, AJ Styles & James Storm v. Christopher Daniels, Kazarian & Bobby Roode

Because they’re flashing back tonight, Daniels & Kaz are rocking ZUBAZ PANTS and fanny packs. They should dress like this forever. Kaz gets worked over in the babyface corner, and AJ & Hardy bust out some old-school tag team double-teaming on him. We take a break and return with Jeff taking the beating in the heel corner, and Roode gets a delayed suplex for two. Bad Influence with the HART ATTACK for two. I think it’s kind of a cool that a move that was never named while it was actually used by the Hart Foundation has since retroactively acquired the name that everyone online called it. Roode hits the chinlock and cuts off a comeback, but Hardy finally fights back with a Twist of Fate and makes the hot tag to AJ. It of course is BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA as everyone gets tossed out, and AJ hits a DDT on both Kaz and Roode in an awesome sequence. AJ tries a springboard and Daniels trips him up but Storm saves AJ and Hardy finishes Kazarian with the Twist of Fate at 15:38. I could watch Jeff Hardy getting beat up by heels all day. ***1/2 The Aces hit the ring and attack Hardy until Storm makes the save, as we learn that this was Roode’s big investment. That is a clever twist to end the show.

The Pulse

The Hogan-Bully stuff sucks SO BAD, but there were two must-see matches tonight and the rest was a breezy and inoffensive build for the PPV which I was totally fine with. Good show!