The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 06.27.13
Taped from Peoria, IL
Your hosts are Mike Tenay & Taz
Sting joins us to start, as he and Kurt Angle are wearing suits and thus mean business. Their goal is pretty straightforward: Destroy the Aces, and cost Bully the title. Now that’s some good clear motivation.
Meanwhile, the Aces have a little chat with Chris Sabin, because they just want to wish him luck and remind him not to cash in the title shot. Bully as usual is just tremendous.
Adam Ohriner talks about tonight’s Gut Check.
X Division title: Chris Sabin v. Kenny King v. Suicide
The babyfaces team up with dropkicks on King, but Suicide gets tossed and King takes over on Sabin with the high kick. Suicide comes back in with a missile dropkick and puts King on the floor, then follows with a rolling senton off the apron. Sabin hits both guys with a pescado and we take a break. Back with Sabin tying both guys up in the corner and dropkicking King for two. Suicide runs Sabin into a turnbuckle for two. They all fight to the top, setting up the Tower of Doom spot, and King gets two on Sabin. Sabin with the enzuigiri and Cradle Shock for two, as Suicide saves. He tries to finish King, but Kenny hits the head kick on Suicide and pounds him in the corner. Suicide with a small package for two. He’s no Daniel Bryan. King’s Royal Flush is reversed by Suicide for the pin and the title at 10:09, however, despite King seemingly being in the ropes. *** The replay shows he was pinned clean. However, Hulk Hogan brings out TJ Perkins, the guy who is supposed to be Suicide, and he’s limping. Hogan HATES cheaters, and he demands to know who stole the costume and thus the title. Suicide runs off into the Aces section of the crowd, however.
Ryan Howe, who looks like an extra from the hair band era, talks about Gut Check. Speaking of which, Kip Winger was on one of the new episodes of Pawn Stars basically advertising the Rock N Roll Fantasy Camp type thing that he runs, and that dude got OLD.
Gut Check: Ryan Howe v. Adam Ohriner
Taz actually BEATS ME to the Van Hammer joke about Howe. That’s some sharp sarcasm. I have to wonder if Howe’s name is derived from replacement Bad Company singer Brian Howe, because he kind of looks like him. Ohriner is built like Batista, with nothing else going for him I can see. There’s seriously enough of that type on the roster already. So this is pretty bad, with Ohriner missing a catch on a bodypress spot and then doing some totally ridiculous “selling” during a slugfest. Howe charges and gets pinned with a powerslam at 2:43. No buys on either side here, hopefully they send both home. DUD
Meanwhile, Bully Ray continues his X division mentoring, chatting with TJ Perkins about whether Angle and Sting might have put him up to lying about getting attacked.
Knockouts title: Mickie James v. Velvet Sky
Velvet attacks to start and they slug it out in the corner, but Mickie goes to the knee and gets two. Mickie was right! She wasn’t medically cleared! Mickie goes to work on it, but Velvet cradles for two. Velvet tries a kick in the corner, but Mickie smartly grabs the knee. But then Sky just ignores it ad makes the comeback like nothing happened. Bulldog gets two. Velvet slugs away and Mickie exits the ring, so Velvet follows her for the spinning headscissors on the floor and a spear. Why would you want to do a spinning move on the floor, where you have about two feet of clearance? Back in, Mickie catches her with the DDT and gets two. Mickie tries again, but Velvet slugs out of it and clotheslines her for two. Velvet tries the headscissors again, so Mickie drives the knee into the mat and wraps it up in a submission move to finish at 6:31. Velvet continues to be the worst worker in the division, but this was at least watchable by her standards. *1/2 Hopefully Mickie moves onto something new now, like Taryn Terrell.
BFG Series: Bobby Roode v. Magnus
They trade wristlocks to start and Magnus puts Roode down with a high knee for two. They brawl on the floor, but Roode catches him with a cheapshot on the way back and pounds him in the corner. Neckbreaker gets two, and Roode hits the chinlock. Magnus fights back and they slug it out, leading to a backdrop suplex from Magnus for the comeback. Series of clotheslines follows, but a blind charge hits boot and Roode goes up. Magnus catches him with the suplex, however, and goes up himself. Roode cuts that off and they fight on top, with Magnus dropping the big elbow for two. Roode comes back with the spinebuster for two, but Magnus gets the Michinoku Driver for the pin and 7 points at 6:57. Good little TV match. **1/2
Meanwhile, Detective Bully continues his investigations.
Gun-Storm join us with no real point to make, and get interrupted by Robbie, Tara and Jessie. Robbie notes that the two toughest dudes in the locker room are out there, and Taz adds “Plus Robbie E”. Hey now, that could be interpreted as a transgender-insensitive remark, and we wouldn’t some wackjob on the internet to get their feelings hurt and whine for 4 pages about it. Robbie feels that Storm made the wrong choice, and now they’ll have to face the BRO-MANCE. I’m glad to see they’ve found each other at last. Storm accuses Tara of being a butterface and Jessie ends up getting knocked out. Pretty fun bit to set up someone new in the tag division.
BFG Series: Samoa Joe v. Mr. Anderson
Joe stomps the hell out of Anderson and hits the kick in the corner for two. Anderson takes over after a quick brawl outside and goes after the arm, but Joe splashes him for two and the Aces surround the ring. Anderson takes advantage with a DDT for two, but walks into a powerslam. Sting and Angle hit the ring to even things out, and Joe finishes Anderson with the choke at 5:24 for the 10 points. Not much to this one. *1/2 As you might have guessed, Joe aligns himself with the Main Event Mafia after the win.
Hulk Hogan is out, trying to solve the Suicide mystery so we know who’s challenging for the World title. His walk to the ring gives away the identity, actually. Given the limited number of people on the roster, it could really only be one person anyway. Hulk demands that he remove the mask, but Bully Ray interrupts and he wants to know as well. Suicide cuts a voice-distorted promo…and then unmasks as AUSTIN ARIES. Whoa! I was betting on Jeff Hardy there. THEY GOT ME! I feel like doing a Lucille Bluth shriek of surprise right about now.
No great matches this week, but the show-long Suicide angle was pretty great and the MEM stuff at least has a point and a motivation. Another enjoyable week, which marks something of a record with no bad shows between either promotion in three weeks now. Keep it going, pro wrestling!