The SmarK RAW Rant–07.08.13

The SmarK RAW Rant – 07.08.13

Live from Baltimore, MD

Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler & JBL

Vickie Guerrero & Brad Maddox join us to start, as she climbs a ladder to make some sort of point about Money In The Bank. She basically pleads for her job (which might be decided by a WWE App vote, of course) and announces the usual matches were MITB guys pair off against each other. I really hate those matches because then you get half the guys coming in on a loss.

Daniel Bryan v. Sheamus

Criss-cross and Bryan gets a clothesline for two, and he goes to work on the leg with kicks. Sheamus comes back with an armbar, but Bryan puts him down with a knee and throws more kicks. Sheamus with a neckbreaker for two. Backbreaker gets two, but Bryan puts him on the floor and follows with a dive, which Sheamus turns into a stungun on the railing as we take a break. Back with Sheamus hitting another backbreaker for two, but Bryan makes the comeback as they brawl outside off a missed Brogue Kick, and Bryan follows with a flying bodypress for two. Bryan with the kicks to get the crowd into it, but Sheamus ducks onto the apron and hits the forearms. To the top, but Bryan brings him down and tries a rana, which Sheamus blocks. The flying shoulderblock gets two. Bryan blocks White Noise and throws more kicks to put Sheamus down for two. Missile dropkick misses and Sheamus gets two. They slug it out and Sheamus tries White Noise, which Bryan reverses for two and then into the Yes-Lock. Sheamus reverses that into the cloverleaf, but Bryan reverses THAT into the SMALL PACKAGE OF DOOM, which finishes at 14:52. Hell of an opener. ***3/4

The Shield v. Brodus Clay & Tensai

The funkers overpower Rollins to start, but Clay misses a splash by about 10 feet and Reigns takes over on him. This gives us a RIDICULOUSLY long and boring heat segment on Clay as Reigns chinlocks him to death, but Tensai gets the alleged hot tag. He beats people up and Baldobombs Rollins for two. Reigs comes in with a spear to finish at 6:34. *

John Cena is out for a talk with Mark Henry. He gives his usual “This title means everything and you’ll never have respect unless you earn it” deal, and then DEMANDS Henry cross his invisible line and come to get some. So Henry DOES. Well, he did ask for it. Henry holds the belt high, people boo, and this was a fine pro wrestling segment.

Chris Jericho v. Curtis Axel

Jericho dominates with dropkicks to start and clotheslines Axel to the floor for some punishment. Back in, Axel catches him with a cheapshot and gets a neckbreaker for two. We take a break and return with Axel holding an armbar, but Jericho comes back with a short clothesline and tries the Walls. Axel counters out, so Jericho gets a northern lights suplex for two. Axel clubs him down for two and throws chops in the corner, but misses a blind charge, allowing Jericho to get the flying bodypress for two. Lionsault misses and Axel with a neckbreaker for two. Another Lionsault hits and gets two. Codebreaker is blocked and reversed into the Perfectplex for two. Well, if you don’t yell the line first, it doesn’t work properly. Axel gives him some trashtalk, so Jericho takes him down for the Walls and he makes the ropes. Axel bails and gets sent into the tables, where Miz gets all up in his face. Axel is so distracted that Jericho hit the codebreaker and pins him at 11:51. Well, clearly he’s the Intercontinental champion if he’s doing jobs on TV now. Good match that was a bit too long, which is weird because it’s building to two matches that will likely be much worse. ***

Meanwhile, The Rhodes Scholars get into a discussion with Uncle Zeb’s guys, which leads to Wade Barrett punching out Fandango for some reason.

Sin Cara v. Alberto Del Rio

Sin Cara with a pair of armdrags, but Del Rio pounds him into the corner. Cara comes back with a flying headscissors, but Del Rio puts him down with an enzuigiri for two. Cara slugs back, but another enzuigiri puts him down again and Del Rio goes to the armbar. This is going nowhere, so Dolph Ziggler interrupts for some wacky comedy until Del Rio charges out for the brawl. And the match just kind of ends around 5:00. This feud is totally flattening out Ziggler after he was super-hot leading to his cash-in.

Vickie Guerrero’s Job Evaluation: It’s all three McMahons doing the questioning, as Stephanie bitches her out for signing Brock Lesnar, Vince thinks she’s entertaining, and HHH thinks she’s entertaining but she’s terrible at her job. So Vince and HHH snark at each other and Stephanie gets the deciding vote. So she defers to the app, which leaves Vickie fired by a landslide. So Vince, in order to punish us all, appoints Brad Maddox as the new GM. Could we just not have a GM anymore? Please? This was a trainwreck.

Kane v. Michael McGillicutty Christian

Whoops, bet someone manning the video wall got yelled at for that one. Kane slugs Christian down, but gets caught with a necksnap and Christian follows with an elbow for two. He chokes Kane out and follows with a dive to the floor as we take a break. And then we return and Kane just chokeslams and pins him at 8:00. OK then. *

The Wyatt Family is finally here! And Kane gets beat up by freaky rednecks as a result as the crowd chants “Husky Harris”. So that probably didn’t go the way they wanted it to after weeks of build and an entire show full of promo videos.

Meanwhile, Ryback gives Vickie a big hug on her way out. I have no idea who this buries more, but I sure wouldn’t want to be Ryback these days.

AJ & Alicia Fox v. Layla & Kaitlyn

Well this should crank up the excitement. This quickly turns into a brawl between AJ and Kaitlyn and the match just stops at 2:00 while the Bellas make catty comments on commentary. Yeah.

CM Punk v. Randy Orton

Stalemate to start, but Orton puts Punk down and drops knees. Punk gets a suplex for two as the crowd is split here and we take a break as they fight on the floor. Back with the guys trading near-falls until Punk gets the running knee in the corner and flying elbow. Orton escapes the GTS and turns it into the draping DDT, as the crowd swings between both guys. Punk counters the RKO into a backslide, but Orton turns that into the powerslam for two. He pounds away in the corner and they fight for the finishers until Punk gets the GTS for the pin at 14:34. **1/2 And then Daniel Bryan runs in and beats up both guys to pose with the briefcase. You’d think this would be awesome sauce, but the crowd doesn’t really care, and it’s hard to blame them considering Bryan beat up two guys way above his paygrade on the babyface scale after weeks of getting treated like an afterthought.

The Pulse

I was right into the first hour, which flew by on the strength of a great opener, and then the show ground to its usual full stop by the time the third hour started 14 hours later. And yay, another heel GM character. Another bore this week.