The SmarK RAW Rant – 09.16.13
Live from Cleveland, OH
Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler & JBL
Daniel Bryan joins us to start, finally with his own personalized nameplates on the belt. I should note that my wife HATES Bryan because he looks like a troll. Before the celebration can even begin, COOHHH interrupts and declares his victory TAINTED. So we get TV time for Scott Armstrong, as HHH breaks down Armstrong’s counting cadence, complete with side-by-side comparison like it’s the Hogan-Orndorff cage match or something. After HHH gets to the bottom of things, Armstrong FRAMES Bryan as a co-conspirator and we have no choice but to hold the title in ABEYANCE. Now there’s a word you don’t get on many pro wrestling TV broadcasts. HHH is mostly just disappointed in him, because he thought Shawn would have taught him better (ouch). Randy Orton interrupts all the abeyance going down and lays out Bryan with the RKO so that HHH can forcibly take that title and put it into abeyance. I’m glad they didn’t have Bryan puss out and give up the belt willingly like every other neutered babyface. By the way, the Vacant WWE Title feed on Twitter has already been suspended, and I bet THAT was a setup from that jerk HHH, too. On the bright side, a vacant title could lead to a tournament, and Tournaments Are Awesome.
Meanwhile, Orton is pissed at not getting the belt back, but Steph-zilla cuts off his bitching.
Dean Ambrose v. Dolph Ziggler
High stakes here, as a win will get Dolph “back in the hunt” for the US title. Given how far he’s fallen I guess he should lucky to be even at that low level. They slug it out and both hit the floor early, and Ziggler gets the sleeper on the way back in before getting bumped to the floor again. We take a break and return with Cole saying “abeyance” again, which is starting to remind me of something.
Back with Ambrose getting a superplex and going to a chinlock, but Ziggler fights back with a DDT and pounds away in the corner. The 10 elbows get two, as Dolph has now taken to pointing at Lawler while he does it. Hey, if Lawler’s fine with it, then great. Ambrose takes him down and slugs away on the mat, but Dolph gets a backslide for two. Dolph goes up and gets hauled down again, but the Zig Zag finishes at 13:21 to get Dolph back in the hunt for the US title. Someone get on Twitter and tell social media! Fine match. ***
Meanwhile, Brad Maddox sucks up to HHH, and Stephanie dresses Big Show down yet again. What’s Show’s problem, anyway? He gets paid his guaranteed money and punches people when asked. He loves to punch people!
Dusty Rhodes joins us, which is weird just typing it. Years of blades have not been kind to his aging visage. Dusty rages about HHH firing his sons because it’s “best for business”, and he doesn’t even know what “best for business” means. I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments. So apparently there was a “business proposition on the tweet”, and that brings Stephanie out to bond over parenting. She offers to hire one of Dusty’s kids back…but only one. Dusty tells her to go to hell, so it’s time for some tough love with the Shield. And since Dusty is so indecisive, Steph offers him a choice here: Get killed by the Shield, or knocked out by Big Show. The choice is made for him and Show gets the call, choosing to put Dusty down himself rather than let the Shield maul him. Poor Dusty doesn’t even get to lay all three Shield members out with elbows before taking one for the team. Show, as usual, is all broken up about it. As long as Dusty is confined to cutting promos and not booking, he’s awesome, and this was no exception. When you need someone to sell pathos and self-sacrifice for the family and RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION at the 1% acting like assholes, you call Dusty Rhodes. It’s a character that’s actually kind of missing these days, although I guess it’s not surprising considering the company is run by Wall Street moguls.
Rob Van Dam v. Damien Sandow
This RVD-Ricardo thing…just no. Rob is his own best hype man. Sandow drops an elbow for two as we get more “abeyance”. Was it trending on Twitter too? Rob with a crossbody for two. Rolling Thunder hits knee and Sandow gets two, but Rob kicks him down again and goes up with the corner dropkick. Frog splash finishes at 2:34. Serious question: Has Sandow even won a match since getting that briefcase?
Meanwhile, Scott Armstrong approaches HHH for another “abeyance” mention, and gets fired, which gives us some nice subtle acting as Hunter promises to “take care of him”, and Armstrong was clearly working with HHH and didn’t think he’d get fired. Although usually if that’s the case they’d hammer it home on commentary like it was ABEYANCE, so who knows.
Randy Orton v. The Miz
Miz Sr. is at ringside, so this probably won’t go well for his son. And Orton runs him into the stairs right away as we take a break. Back with the match actually starting, and Miz attacks as they fight over who did a crappier job in John Cena movie sequel. This results in a swift double countout at 1:30. Orton continues the beating, but Miz fights back, as Orton is such an effective heel that PEOPLE ARE CHEERING THE MIZ. Orton, as annoyed by MizTV as the rest of us, wedges his head in a chair and Pillmanizes Miz’s neck to hopefully write him out of the show for a while. This is turning into a rough show for the babyfaces again.
Paul Heyman and his new Guy are out to gloat about beating CM Punk, and he’s doing it from a wheelchair just to be a slimy heel douche. And if there’s one thing that Ryback hates, it’s a BULLY. So he pledges to protect Paul from big bad Punk, and Paul gives him a kiss on the cheek in gratitude. You have to think that the Punk and Bryan stories are going to intersect like the climax of a Seinfeld episode soon and it’s going to be glorious.
Los Matadores are still coming, as long as they don’t accidentally shred their passports or something.
Daniel Bryan v. Roman Reigns
They cut out any of the usual setup for this, so I had no idea what the main event was going to be until we got here. Bryan works on the leg, but Reigns pounds him in the corner until Bryan goes back to the leg again. And we take a break. Back with Bryan reversing a full nelson into a rollup for two, but Reigns keeps coming with a superplex attempt. Bryan puts him down and follows with a flying headbutt for two, but Reigns beats him down again for two. Swinging uranage gets two. Back in 2003 or so, every Samoan in wrestling was using that stupid move. You literally couldn’t throw a rock on the street without hitting a Samoan using it as a finisher. LITERALLY. Bryan makes the comeback and throws kicks, but Reigns catches him with the samoan drop for two. Reign looks to put him in permanent abeyance with the powerbomb, but Bryan reverses to a rollup for two and the high kick gets two. Bryan just DESTROYS Rollins with a baseball slide, and walks into a lariat from Reigns as a result. Reigns moves in for the pin and gets wrapped up with the Yes-Lock, but Orton runs in for the DQ at 15:00. **3/4 The beatdown is ON, and it’s time for another Pillmanizing, but now finally the locker room stands up and makes the save. Wouldn’t it have been awesome if Kane had been the one to stand up as Bryan’s buddy once and for all? It’s likely coming later, of course. And so the Shield gets some comeuppance, Rollins takes GOAT 2 SLEEP (thanks Justin!), and finally we get a babyface celebration to end the show. See, you can do all the heel beatdowns during the show as long as you end on a high note.
The Pulse
Good stuff this week, as again Hulu cuts it down to the Bryan and Punk storylines and jettisons literally everything else. I’m sure none of it was worth worrying about anyway.
Sandow pinned miz last week on raw
ReplyDeleteAlas, it wasn't deemed Hulu worthy, so that win was held in abeyance.
ReplyDeleteAs far as I can recall, Sandow has won twice since WrestleMania: the ladder match at MITB and rolling up Miz last week (which was overshadowed by the Miz/Fandango interaction).
ReplyDeleteI thought Kane was supposed to come back as a brainwashed member of the Wyatt family.
ReplyDeleteI would like to hold use of the word abeyance in abeyance.
ReplyDeleteThe biggest question I have about current WWE programming is this:
ReplyDeleteHave they even once mentioned Tout in the last six months?
And why did they say "abeyance" so much? Is "vacant" now a banned word too like "belt" and referee names?
Sorry guys, but I have to put on my armchair booker hat for a moment...
ReplyDeleteThere could be an interesting way to have Punk and Bryan intersect down the line, but it would take some suspension of disbelief. If you go ahead and let Bryan win at Battleground to reclaim the WWE Title, you might have one more match with Orton left for Hell in the Cell. Around this time, have Vince start to second-guess the rate at which Triple H and Stephanie are making the company into their personal playground. At Hell in the Cell, have Triple H prepared to screw Bryan over, but allow Vince to step in and stop it, sowing the seeds for whatever the Hell they want to do with them.
Having failed him three times now, Triple H needs a new face. In his desperation to stem Bryan's rising star, he turns to the one force he KNOWS can get the job done—Brock Lesnar. Run Lesnar/Bryan at Survivor Series and have Brock take the title after some shenanigans. Assuming Ryback and Punk settle up at Survivor Series, you could have Punk go after Brock and Heyman for his final revenge between November and the Rumble, with Punk going over Brock for the title to finally cap off this arc. Bryan meanwhile has to fight through the Shield and a possible new Corporate minion (Cesaro?), which starts to sow the turn for Roman Reigns as a face. Bryan enters the Rumble at #1 and takes the whole show.
This sets you up for the workrate dream in Punk/Bryan for the WWE Title, with Punk playing off his Best in the World versus Bryan's redemption. Vince and Triple H could begin their little program in earnest after the Rumble, with Triple H backing Brock in a fight for the company against Vince's last-ditch weapon: the Undertaker. Elsewhere, I'd transition the U.S. Title from Ambrose to Ziggler and the World Title from Del Rio to RVD in October, so that we can move the WHC to Ambrose in preparation for the SHIELD EXPLODES match between Ambrose and Reigns at WrestleMania. The benefit here is that we leave that miniscule window open for Shield/Orton vs. Rhodes Family and Big Show in what should be a War Games Match. If Dusty remains involved, it's got to be a possibility, right?
This only leaves one major player out of the main event scene: John Cena. If you have him return at the Royal Rumble, throw him in as a swerve to make the fans think Bryan will come up short. After the fact, there's one possible match that I think has some drawing power with Cena involved, even if it'll be atrocious. With WrestleMania having its big 30th anniversary party next spring, and a certain someone prepared to jump ship from TNA after October (allegedly), I think we could see some sort of Farewell Match for Hulk Hogan akin to what they did for Flair at WM 24.
Does Hogan/Cena excite me as a fan? From a workrate perspective, no. Nostalgia under the bright lights of WrestleMania could add some intrigue there, and it keeps Cena away from the title picture. Really, at this point, so long as we keep Cena out of the title path, we really could be looking at Bryan/Punk next year. The rest of the card could be humping dogs for all I care; Bryan/Punk for the WWE Championship earns all my money.
Shredded their passports? Did someone watch the new episode of New Girl?
ReplyDeleteKane is being held in abeyance.
ReplyDeleteSandow deserves to repeatedly get his ass kicked for not cashing in the briefcase when he's had several chances to do so by now.
ReplyDeleteTo get the coveted TV-G rating, they have to teach children a new word each week.
ReplyDeleteOf course, if it wound up being Brock/Rock, Cena/Taker, Punk/Bryan and Triple H/???... that'd be nice too.
ReplyDeleteSaturday Morning Slam has had that rating for quite some time now. Maybe they should instead teach the kids how to use the mute button whenever they hear Michael Cole's voice, that would be a lot more educational than using the latest words from the "Hulk Hogan Dictionary Of Random Made Up Words: Special Strappation Edition".
ReplyDeleteI hope this all builds too a Daniel Bryan/Cm Punk WM30 main event Iron man match... I just feel they are keeping them as separate as possible for as long as possible so when they do face each other it will be off the charts.
ReplyDelete"Wait, if you think your shoes are brown, what color do you think your skin is?"
ReplyDeleteThey mentioned Tout on Raw unfortunately.
ReplyDeleteAlso Cole said Miz had an injured thorax, which I've never heard used for a human. Apparently it's more commonly known as the chest.
They're probably dialing back because Vine is the same thing but popular and they don't wanna seem too not with-it.
ReplyDeleteMy guess is that after DB eventually defeats Orton and their feud ends, CM Punk will turn heel again and be the next corporate champion.
ReplyDeleteI didn't mind abeyance so much because I love learning random words that you can't use in everyday conversation unless a really specific circumstance comes up. Like when I was watching this movie "Exam," and there was someone called The Invigilator.
ReplyDeleteIf they do run Punk/Bryan at WrestleMania, do they have the cajones to let them go on last? It would be the first time since 2003 to feature a main event that didn't involve either Triple H (XX / 21 / 22 / XXIV / XXV), Shawn Michaels (XX / 23 / XXVI), John Cena (22 / 23 / XXVII / XXVIII / XXIX) or the Undertaker (XXIV / XXVI).
ReplyDeleteI guess we're due once every decade for a fresh main event, right?
I actually noticed the same thing because Josh Matthews posted a Raw-related video to Vine and I immediately wondered why he wasn't being mandated to post it to Tout instead. So I asked him. And he ignored me. And then I didn't lose any sleep over it because I just figure WWE are weird about shit like that.
ReplyDeleteUnless he's secret the father of DB's non-existent son and tries to steal custody of him, I don't think the Eddie model of "screw you, we're turning him again and you're gonna like it." has much of a chance of working.
ReplyDeleteLex Luger using the word plethora in his WrestleMania 8 interview added it to my vocabulary for life.
ReplyDeleteDo you think he was going for larynx, like Ricky Steamboat's injury angle?
ReplyDeleteNot a Three Amigos fan?
ReplyDeleteCena/Taker goes on last.
ReplyDelete"Damn you, Zimbabwe!!!"
ReplyDeleteI just watched Three Amigos last night!
ReplyDeleteNow I know what WWE is missing: i'd watch every week if they had Statler and Waldorf on commentary.
ReplyDelete"... Orton is such an effective heel that PEOPLE ARE CHEERING THE MIZ."
ReplyDeleteI know, I know, I'm very biased against Orton, but I have to take issue with this. Miz was getting cheered because the show was in Cleveland, and he was showing a ton of fire during the segment. Orton got next-to-no pop for his entrance.
Orton, realistically, is not that over. His entrance will get a pop when the audience thinks something interesting will happen (like cashing in the briefcase, or interrupting a promo to see where it goes), but when he comes out for a regular match, the audience is much more subdued.
Just the hell of it...
ReplyDeleteI imagine that Battleground ends in a double DQ, when both the Shield and the Rebels keep interfering. This leads to a HiaC that is actually appropriate.
Also, when Punk and Bryan finally do team up, will it be signified by a Handshake of Doom?
Scott, no snarky comment about Mizs dad? Youve gone soft!
ReplyDeleteNo way it goes on last
ReplyDeleteDictionary.com must have had record numbers Monday night from people looking up "abeyance".
ReplyDeleteDo you think Vince looks up obscure words to use on purpose?
The fact that he favored the comic book store owner from the Simpsons?
ReplyDeleteFuck iron mans. Itll never happen again at a WM since getting everyone on the card is such a priority. WM 12 had Shawn, Bret, Diesel, Taker, then nobody else who was over.
ReplyDeleteI would like to congratulate HHH and WWE for finally putting over and making abeyance into a star. They should have pulled the trigger before Wrestlemania 4, but thats why you just got to wait it out and see where things go
ReplyDeleteSpam, Spam, Spam, Abeyance and Spam.
ReplyDeleteSpam, Spam with a side order of Spam, Abeyance and Spam.
Beans, Abeyance and Spam.
(BTW this is not a dig at the OP.)
The feud can culminate in a ladder match, with custody of the non-existent child on the line. They can even have the Bella twins involved, so when Nikki Bella misses her cue, Punk can scream "Where the fuck was Nikki?!?!?!?!"
ReplyDelete"...on the tweet." Reason number 98 Dusty is awesome
ReplyDeleteNew Girl was hysterical. The scene where Schmidt and Winston were convincing Cece that Winston seduced Elizabeth/stole Cece's underwear had me laughing so hard I was starting to tear up. Fantastic season premier!
ReplyDelete... with club sauce.
ReplyDeleteMy girlfriend thought that same thing. After she and I had a brief spat about whether or not mammals had a thorax. (A spat which I technically won, however like many of our spats, ended up costing me later on. But that's not important right now.)
ReplyDeleteI was sad that he didn't say "Sabotage" which cracks me up when he says it. We DID get an "If you Weeeelllll" so that was alright. Land o' Goshen, that man is good on the mic.
ReplyDeleteI've invigilated as well as proctored. Pretty much the same, but with invigilating I was paid in pounds.
ReplyDeleteDammit, no thorax reference.
ReplyDeleteWinning an argument is like being the white meat babyface that finally got the big win, only to be immediately super-bombed through a flaming table covered in razor wire.
ReplyDeleteYou are always better off without winning.
Who would downvote Winston? Dude's already color blind, cut him a break.
ReplyDeleteHave you got anything without Spam in it?
ReplyDeleteI ascertain that HHH got a Word a Day calendar for Christmas and Sunday or Monday's word was "Abeyance".
ReplyDelete"...I needed your underwear... so that I could sew them into my underwear..." got me.
ReplyDeleteThe Punk/Bryan alliance can happen at 'Survivor Series'. Team Punk vs. Team Heyman. Team Bryan vs. The Corporation. Do the 1990 "Final Match of Survival" thing to have Bryan & Punk survive. They can team up as a new megapowers and you can really build up a Bryan/Punk vs. HHH/Orton tag match at some point
ReplyDeleteOrton is certainly in the groove as a heel right now.
ReplyDeleteHe's a heel. He's not supposed to get a pop. He gets "Randy sucks" chants during his matches.
ReplyDelete'Los Matadores are still coming, as long as they don’t accidentally shred their passports or something.'
ReplyDeletethey're puerto rican... they dont need no stinkin' passports in the us
'GOAT 2 SLEEP'
ReplyDeleteno
i already knew what abeyance meant when hhh used it
ReplyDelete/that guy
At what point do you do Bryan vs. HHH? Seems like a Wrestlemania match to me, but what do you guys think?
ReplyDeleteIf Undertaker vs. Cena is our presumed main event, do you go down the road of Punk-Lesnar II and Bryan vs. HHH?
He was probably clamoring to go back to being one just as much as we were.
ReplyDeleteFor me, Orton is like Jericho; they just feel so clamped down as a face when their strength of their character is being an awesome asshole.
ReplyDeleteAlberto del Rio is missing the opportunity to declare himself, the World Champion, the new face of the WWE while the WWE title is held in abeyance.
ReplyDeleteWrestling actually did a lot to teach me vocabulary as a kid, thanks to Gorilla, JR, Schiavone and others.
ReplyDeleteThis is why I hope they don't do it this year. Although Heyman seems to keep hinting at it when he says his dream is to see Punk in "the main event of Wrestlemania", so who knows.
ReplyDeleteBro, the entire "Best for Business" storyline is just setting up Cena to take over as the "face" and be Vince's binky versus HHH. He will start vacuuming Bryan's heat from this feud in about 2 months.
ReplyDelete