The SmarK RAW Rant–11.04.13

The SmarK RAW Rant – 11.04.13

Live from somewhere in South Carolina.

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler & JBL

CM Punk v. Luke Harper

Punk’s hot pink trunks are pretty awesome in a Randy Savage type of way. Punk and Harper slug it out to start and Harper chokes him down, but gets backdropped to the floor. Punk tries to follow with a dive, but runs into a forearm as Harper takes over. Rolling facelock is a nice bit from Harper, but Punk fights back and Harper misses a blind charge. This time Punk hits his dive and we take a break. Back with Punk fighting from behind again and hitting a tornado DDT. Punk is just amazingly great as a babyface while doing minimal stuff these days. It’s really a lost art. Punk with the running knee and he stops to hit Rowan with a dive, resulting in him running into Harper’s big boot. Lariat misses and Punk rolls him up for the clean pin at 13:14. Harper looked totally fine in there. *** The Wyatt beatdown begins in earnest, but Daniel Bryan makes the save with the chair and it’s all good stuff that nearly always works.

Meanwhile, HHH announce that Big Show is BANNED FOR LIFE last week.

Meanwhile, Paul Heyman talks to us from his HOSPITAL BED, as he’s been beaten into major spinal injury by CM Punk.

Randy Orton v. Big E Langston

As chosen by the app! The copyright notice reveals that they’ve managed to cut the first hour down to 20 minutes on Hulu, which might be a new record for them. Big E powers Orton out of the ring and slugs away while the announcers are putting him over like crazy. He’s kind of a weird one in that he’s clearly someone they have big plans for, but they’ve no SMALL plans for him for months now. Orton comes back with a dropkick, but Big E powers out of the draping DDT and puts Orton on the floor again as we take a break. Back with E charging and hitting the floor, allowing Orton to take over. Langston quickly puts him down again and follows with the Ultimate Warrior splash for two, however. Orton gets the backbreaker for two. He sends Langston into the post and this time hits the DDT. E blocks the RKO, however, and the STRAPS ARE DOWN, but Orton reverses out of the Big Ending and RKOs him at 13:34. Because Orton, of course, does not do jobs, even to future World champions. Not that he should here, because I hate when they do that “beating the champion” booking, but it’s a huge double standard that everyone else with a belt has to lay down on RAW on a seeming weekly basis and Orton continues to be the most protected guy in the promotion. **1/2

John Cena, Cody Rhodes & Goldust v. Damien Sandow, Jack Swagger & Antonio Cesaro

I’m going to ignore Cena’s cloying pre-match speech about rising above cancer because it’ll just angry up my blood again. But COME ON, could these guys be any more self-serving? And what THE FUCKING FUCK is that combined Rhodes entrance music supposed to be? Sandow gets worked over in the babyface corner, as does Swagger. Apparently Tyson Kidd is the #1 trend on Twitter, but whatever it was couldn’t make the cut on Hulu. Cena and Cesaro get into a power match, and Cena hits a fisherman’s suplex for two. Cody comes in with a front suplex for two, and it’s over to Sandow. He gets nowhere and the heels pause for a conference while we take a break. Back with Cesaro hitting the SWISS DEATH uppercut on Cena to take over. Swaggerbomb gets two. He throws knees in the corner and goes to the facelock, which brings Cesaro in off a clothesline for two. The beatdown of Cena continues until he finally overpowers Cesaro and makes the hot tag to Goldust. He runs wild, everyone hits their finisher (including the Giant Swing on Goldust), and Goldust finishes Cesaro with his neckbreaker suplex at 21:00. Pretty dull match that literally felt like time-filler, but the finish was super-hot and they probably should have just went to that 10 minutes sooner. ***1/4

Meanwhile, we get a BORING recap of Big Show’s lawsuit against the company.

Meanwhile, Stephanie is concerned that HHH is taking this Big Show thing too personally, and wants HHH to settle RIGHT NOW.

The Bella Twins & Eva Marie v. AJ Lee, Tamina Snuka & Aksana

Really? THIS they leave in? Main point of discussion from the announcers: Tamina is the daughter of Jimmy Snuka. WHAT? Why didn’t someone ever mention this before now? They totally would have gotten her over if they had mentioned that at some point! Tamina misses the splash on Brie and the chick with the bad dye job rolls her up for the pin. What a hero. Wasn’t she a heel on the Total Divas show before? DUD

Main Event Discrimination Lawsuit Settlement:

So Big Show, with an ironclad contract and airtight lawsuit against the company that could cost HHH MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, comes out to settle in exchange for his job back. And then the Shield come out and we take a break. So Show’s final settlement offer: He wants his job back and a title shot at Survivor Series. Now, I’m no lawyer, but clearly Big Show is a fucking idiot. If he could have sued the company and gained control, he could have just given himself the title and his job back! And really, so is HHH if he thinks that defamation would be worth anything more than paying out the amount of contract that they were already paying Big Show anyway. And then this crashingly boring bullshit segment somehow leads to…

Big Show v. Randy Orton & The Shield

And the beatdown begins, but KANE THE LIBERTARIAN comes out for some reason in a sharp suit, distracting Show and allowing Orton to hit an RKO. This is apparently enough for a DQ. I don’t even understand the purpose, motivation or reason behind this Kane heel turn.

The Pulse

That last segment not only killed the entire show, but may have killed their business for the rest of the year. I have zero interest in watching Big Show v. Orton, HHH and Kane in various combinations of suck until Royal Rumble, but apparently that’s what we’re getting. And good job rushing Cena back to pop a 2.9 rating last week, which immediately evaporated again this week. I’m not feeling particularly optimistic about the company at the moment.