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WWE Gets BAKED

So level with me Scott, with regards to any uber secret insider information you have. What the hell is going on with the direction of WWE?

Is my Observer subscription uber-secret insider info now?

But wait, it gets better after the break!

(Just to clarify, this is all an e-mail from Jesse Baker, not my rantings.)


Bryan's being buried/scapegoated to protect HHH and Randy Orton's talentless asses and his"yes" chant stripped from him and given to Big Show, who may or may not be canon fodder for Orton.
Bryan's now fucking being stuck on jobber duty alongside Punk, having to service the Wyatt Family and make them look tough by allowing the Wyatts to beat them week after week.
There won't be any further Bryan/Orton match, no god-awful Michaels/Bryan match where Bryan gets to beat a jobber like Shawn Michaels, nor any sort of match with HHH where Bryan gets to beat HHH as badly as Sheamus did when Sheamus retired HHH as an active wrestler. Just jobbing with Punk to get over Hillbillies 2013 and MAYBE a meaningless, pointless continuity ignoring feud with Nu-Kane (aka Libertarian Kane), who much like Babs Gordan back as Batgirl, has been fucked up so badly I no longer give a fuck about it because they did it in the worst possible way imaginable.
Meanwhile Cena's back and rather than trying to salvage that trainwreck, by having Cena grow a pair and actually doing GOOD for a change via having him go after HHH and Orton for the shit they pulled while he was out injured, he's being forced to do three-way matches with the Rhodes boys (who have been turned into an afterthough after they won the tag team belts) with Sandow.
Cena doesn't even get HHH and Orton shitting on him and banishing him to Smackdown as part of some petty bullshit where they pre-emptively keep him from opposing their reign of terror by banishing him to the B-Show and giving Vicky Guererro the mission to get rid of Cena permanently.
Cena MIGHT face Undertaker at WM, or the lazy fuck Brock Lesner, assuming they don't do Punk/Brock Lesner, in a meaningless match designed to feed Cena to Taker to keep the streak going with Cena not giving a fuck if he wins or loses because, Cena's apathetic towards everything except the Rock
Zigggler and Ryder are now unpersons, utterly buried
The Shield continues to prove themselves worthless: NONE of them have ANY sort of personality, save that one of them has a pair of black gloves.
Still no sign of Vince even though you'd think they would have him come back and back Bryan/restore Bryan as champion after HHH screwed him out of the belt, in order to kick off the set in stone feud.
So what the fuck is the overall game plan? You've repeatedly said they ain't merging the belts. They seem to not give a fuck about actually pulling the trigger on Vince vs HHH, as they should have done it to get the belt back on Bryan after HHH stripped him of it, in order to justify them doing that storyline (in terms of Vince seeing HHH has gone mad with power and trying his damnest to fix the mess he and Steph have made). How the hell do they have Vince come back now of Bryan is out of the picture and Cena's stuck doing trio matches and Punk is stuck having been glamored so as to make him flat out BLIND to HHH and Steph's reign of terror?
Fuck, at this rate, I would not be shocked if they give the annual WM match with Taker to HHH so he can beat Taker and beat the streak, simply for egomania purposes. He will do that, yes he will, since he's already gone out of his way to bury Bryan and Edge and countless other guys these last couple of months. Given HHH's egomania, you know he's probably been dying to get over Taker after losing to him two straight Manias, even with his bullshit "clobbering Undertaker after the match to overshadow his defeat" crap.
So what the hell is the gameplan? And don't say "they don't have a game plan retard" because everything since Summerslam has been based around the idea that they do, as their whole justification for forcing the fail and AIDS of HHH upon us.
Is there ANY hope of them changing their mind and "saving throw" things to give Bryan the belt ASAP? Fans overseas are already shitting on Orton and Big Show, so can we hope for some sort of audible where, after Orton and Big Show get shitted on worse than Luger/Windham at Great American Bash, that Vince comes out at the end of the show to strip Orton of the belt/restore it to Bryan and reveal, on next night's Raw, that Vince has proof HHH bribed whatshisname to go along with his plot to strip Bryan of the belt at the September PPV/kick off the HHH/Vince feud? Or have Vince come out on Raw the next night, order a Bryan/Orton match that ends with Bryan winning the belt and kickstarting the HHH/Vince feud and giving Bryan a lengthy run as champion? Or will Vince willingly let shit further go downhill, not even try and salvage something from this mess to get fans to come back and not even try until Royal Rumble, where things get so bad that Vince ends up having to jetison EVERYTHING in order to have Bryan win the Rumble, beat HHH at the February PPV, and then Orton at Mania in order to try and get fans to come back via giving us what we want, damn what HHH might want?
Or, as I mentioned above, "there is no plan retard" and even whispers of HHH/Vince and Cena/Undertaker are WWE-fake spoilers designed to hide the fact that HHH, ever the egomaniac, used Cena's hiatus to heal from his injury, to take over and isn't giving up the spotlight out of the usual jealousy/envy that has only magnified by ten with Rock's return these last couple of years and the only game plan is to feed HHH's ego?

Comments

  1. VINTAGE angry Scott rant!! Fucking yes!!

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  2. As a play off of HOH III... Forever, forever, forever.... Amen.

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  3. Actually I'm kind of offended that people would mix us up.

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  4. Dammit, that's what I get for cruising your blog while drunk.

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  5. ARRRRGH THE BARBARIANNovember 9, 2013 at 11:05 PM

    Fans overseas are already shitting on Orton and Big Show, so can we hope for some sort of audible where, after Orton and Big Show get shitted on worse than Luger/Windham at Great American Bash, that Vince comes out at the end of the show to strip Orton of the belt/restore it to Bryan and reveal, on next night's Raw, that Vince has proof HHH bribed whatshisname to go along with his plot to strip Bryan of the belt at the September PPV/kick off the HHH/Vince feud?


    This sentence contains 91 words.

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  6. Anyone notice this is his first email not ranting on Cena but actually wanting to see him triumph in a way ? Completely Bak3d!

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  7. Jesse, why do you think Brock Lesnar is a lazy fuck? You have made this assertion numerous times and have been called out on it numerous times. Please explain why you think Lesnar is a lazy fuck before making anymore comments about professional wrestling.

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  8. For anyone down on their luck or down on the product, bookmark this here page. It could always get worse.

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  9. He's probably giving him shit for making 5 mil a year and only wrestling a couple matches. In my book that's not lazy, that's smart.

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  10. If writing in comics and pro wrestling booking anger a person this much i would hate to see how he handles situations involved in his life.

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  11. Oh I know and every normal person thinks that. But I've asked Jesse a million times to explain this and he never does.


    So come on, Jesse, explain yourself.

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  12. So wait. Jesse hates Cena but thinks Cena should get inserted into the main event angle. And...and...if WWE inserts Bryan back into the main event angle...then Jesse still isn't happy? But he's not happy in the first place? And if they put Bryan in that's proof that they had a plan? Except it's not? And HHH has AIDS now?



    I know I shouldn't try to make sense of the mentally ill but...wow. I got baked. I got baked so goddamn hard.

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  13. I say this without any amount of snark or sarcasm. He has real mental issues and really needs some help.

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  14. Pipe bomb! I'm glad someone around here finally had the balls to say this.

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  15. I concur. He...seriously needs somebody to talk to in real life.

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  16. You think this whole things isn't an act?

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  17. Dare I say this is the first time I've ever agreed with at least 45% of a Baker rant. I also love the fact that despite going over all of the major plots he still stuck in a reference to Zack Ryder.

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  18. No I don't. I am not a mental health professional, but I think he has fixated on wrestling in an unhealthy way, and in turn sees Scott as his buddy that he is obsessed with and is probably thinks of as his best friend or something... I think he is deeply unbalanced and has probably been through something traumatic at some point in his life. He kind of reminds me of a less comical version of Jim Carrey in The Cable Guy... even if it was all an act that would still be a sign of some serious issues.

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  19. To be fair, the root of Jesse's angst is understandable in many cases (he normally takes on angles or wrestlers that are detrimental to the overall product). It's how he deals with it that gives people the willies. I really wished we would have gotten more fantasy booking this time around instead of this glorious "pipebomb" (BEARDMONEY!), though.

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  20. It's not a run-on though; if you take out the 'that' before 'Vince' in the third line it's fairly grammatically sound, more or less. It's just a sentence with a lot of clauses--Mr. Baker's writing is very David Foster Wallace-esque in that respect.

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  21. Now you gone and done and made me feel guilty for cracking a smile at some of the stuff he said. Thanks a lot, woman hater. And Warlord can kick the crap out of Chris Walker, too!

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  22. You don't have to make this personal about me... uh I meant Chris Walker!

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  23. Or even (James) Joycean.

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  24. I only made it past the first four lines of this Baker rant... I think that is record for me.

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  25. Pat Patterson Prolapsed!November 10, 2013 at 12:45 AM

    FUCKIN' HOMERUN JESSE!!

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  26. Stranger in the AlpsNovember 10, 2013 at 1:37 AM

    I have some background in the psychological field, especially in determining the mental condition of a person based on their writings, use of certain words and phrases, etc, etc. If you will all please allow me to indulge for a moment, and I will enlighten you with some insight into this individual's psyche:

    Breast fed.

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  27. Stranger in the AlpsNovember 10, 2013 at 1:42 AM

    *out of breath* hahaha.....he *gasp*....he likened AIDS to Triple H. Hhhahahah

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  28. What is his beef with HB Shizzle?

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  29. More like Piper Bomb... Cocaine fueled rambling from a mad man

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  30. The only thing I object to in this rant is saying the Shield have no personalities. What?


    Jesse should have a weekly column, IMO.

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  31. Pat Patterson Prolapsed!November 10, 2013 at 3:32 AM

    Well, they have a lot of things in common.

    One horrifically kills people, and the other is a former full time wrestler who has had negative reports written about him for over a decade and that's the only reason 'tards blame him for anything that happens that they perceive to be bad.

    I mean, *I* get it.

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  32. One is a lack of white blood cells, the other is a Connecticut blue blood who never sells.

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  33. Pat Patterson Prolapsed!November 10, 2013 at 4:43 AM

    http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9WHhQtaRxP0/UMMYG74sLKI/AAAAAAAADw0/FVC-DoOIE1k/s1600/Triple-H.gif

    Fucking hilarious. One of these days, I'm just going to make a post before you, wait for yours and copy it, and paste it into an edit. It's called "leaching talent".

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  34. Scott, why are you not pushing this man? It's time you give the blog what it wants, and what it wants is Jesse Baker main eventing.

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  35. I can only imagine Jesse types these at such a frenzied, tense rate that it sounds like Uzi fire. How many keyboards do we think he's broken, on average?

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  36. Pat Patterson Prolapsed!November 10, 2013 at 6:17 AM

    ...from a mother indulged in the delights of unadulterated Czech absinthe.

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  37. MAXIMUM TROLLING

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  38. So...don't got to Medieval Times with him?

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  39. I'm not sure about Canada, but I'd bet that email's enough to get a 48 hour pysch ward hold in the states. Wow, just wow.

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  40. Wait. Wait. Wait.


    *pondering*


    I can see it so clearly now.


    Jesse IS Scott. He's trolling hits on the page by assuming another persona! Well done, sir. Well done.


    (or, you know, not)

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  41. That only happens in Canada if you don't like Tim Horton's.

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  42. I imagine he views HBK as HHHs fall guy.

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  43. Do you guys think he's just living the gimmick at this point? No one can possibly get this worked up about the professional wrestling.

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  44. I think it's real. I can't see the purpose of dedicating this much effort and energy into a gimmick. What's the possible pay-off?

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  45. Started laughing at "a jobber like Shawn Michaels" and did not stop.

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  46. Nobody thinks that Jesse being dissatisfied with the wwe product is an indication that he's crazy. It's the fact that he deals with it in such an unhealthy way. And it is not an act, not a gimmick. He has an immensely unproductive lifestyle. He is obsessed with things from his childhood and desperately wants them to bring him the same joy that they did then. And when they don't, he gets irrationally angry and it sets of this ranting and raving. I'd bet that his sleep patterns are also all fucked up and he had some sort of serious childhood trauma. These are cries for help.

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  47. This is fucking tremoundous.

    One question, are these emails or actual letters written in blood? Are the letters sent to you with locks of his hair, clippings of his fingernails and collages of HHH having sex with HBK?

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  48. I don't know. Maybe he likes being the focus of an internet blog? Has to be the same/similar reason(s) why elaborate internet trolls exist.

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  49. He could post comments if these were an attention grab. Think it's legit

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  50. Although the Shield are great workers he is kind of right. They still dress in riot gear for no explainable reason. The one guy has a weird blond streak in his hair. Ambrose gets jacked off by all the ROHbots on here despite being a midc ard level talent who does "duckface" too much. The other guys is a big angry Samoan who makes some funny comments during matches. They are all fantastic in the ring, no doubt, but certainly they aren't generation changing talent. No one is fantasy booking how to end The Shield angle.

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  51. I don't think this guy even follows WWE very closely. He didn't even once mention Chris Walker.

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  52. Well, to be fair, he occupies the other end of the same spectrum that 'llax lives on. Jesse speaks not of Chris Walker; 'llax speaks ONLY of Chris Walker.

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  53. You mean published authors don't write like this?

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  54. Porn-Peddling Jef VinsonNovember 10, 2013 at 8:20 AM

    I'm...gonna need a second to process all this.

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  55. I've tried twice and I still haven't made it through the whole thing.

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  56. Yes, this. I don't think Jesse has much of a social circle.

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  57. I think HHH _IS_ AIDS.
    But I'm actually not totally sure.

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  58. Well I'm sure Triple H does have AIDs to help him out as COO, just like the rest of the McMahon family have AIDs, and if he could I bet Triple H would share his AIDs with the rest of the locker room and made sure all the members of the WWE Universe would have AIDs too. In fact Triple H should give Make-a-Wish kids some of his AIDs as they could sure do with it!

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  59. Thread jack!

    Happy 238th birthday to the finest fighting force the world has ever known, the United States Marine Corps.

    You know, for all the Marines on the blog. Back to our regularly scheduled ranting and conspiracy theories.

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  60. It can also happen if you march nude down a major street at 3am, playing a trumpet, and leading the true believers into the arms of the lord.
    Trust me.

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  61. Props to all marines and all members of military service agencies.

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  62. You're.

    Don't half-ass it.

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  63. Honestly, I feel kinda bad for Jesse. He obviously cares about wrestling but seems unable to find any joy in it. I agree the current WWE product isn't very good, but there's so much more out there.

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  64. And i dont think hes very popular with the ladies either.

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  65. I don't think he's crazy in the way you are outlining. I don't think he's in his basement listening to "Goodbye Horses" and dancing in a skin costume. I do think he just takes this shit waaaay too seriously and needs to find joy in rasslin or just stop watching it. I used to think this was all a gimmick but others who had little gimmicks around here still let their real selves come through. I've never seen that from Jesse.

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  66. Everyone has AIDS
    AIDS AIDS AIDS AIDS
    HHH, AIDS
    Cena, AIDS
    Vince, AIDS
    The faces and heels
    AIDS AIDS AIDS AIDS

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  67. My head almost exploded reading this.

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  68. Threadjack b/c all we care about is rehashing the same thing over and over:
    http://www.411mania.com/wrestling/news/303417/Fans-Reportedly-Upset-Over-Daniel-Bryan-Not-Appearing-in-Birmingham,-England.htm


    Let's end the tired meme that Daniel Bryan fans are all jaded smarks who will illegally stream PPVs.

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  69. Follow the bouncing ball, indeed.

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  70. What is it with wrestlers getting left bloody in Puerto Rican showers?

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  71. If you switch all the football references with WWE, this is how Jesse and a lot of us feel about WWE - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRBDMMVctu8

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  72. One thing I will say about Jesse: He clearly puts more thought into future planning of the product than the WWE does

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  73. Sometimes the joy is in the pain.

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  74. Thank you for handling my light work.

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  75. Not Chris Walker

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  76. Chris Walker is on the minds of people!

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  77. I hate to do this, but I agree. I think he has real, unaddressed problems and really needs some professional help.

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  78. NOW you tell me!

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  79. Do we have Al-Qaeda members at the BoD?

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  80. Downvotes, real classy.

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  81. http://forum.e46fanatics.com/showpost.php?s=15b5eb35393532991666032847e62c42&p=3614279&postcount=4

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  82. Chris Walker is a walking petri dish of STDs

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  83. You're luck I... uh Chris Walker had 1 comment left because I... uh... he isn't going to waste his 5000th comment on this

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  84. Dougie, serious question...what's the history of you and Baker? I tend to agree with your analysis, but it seems that you know him on a deeper level then just from a blog.

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  85. Yes! I win this exchange. I'll be awaiting your rebuttal at comment 5001.

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  86. Ha. Yea, it took me 3 times also.

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  87. Baker says Dougie blew some dude.

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  88. Oh yea, think I remember reading that around here. Is that it? U cool with booze and amoxicillin?

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  89. I'm cool thanks for the info last night.

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  90. Hahahahahaha, what the hell?

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  91. Man, everybody got AIDS and shit.

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  92. And why should he be as he has plenty of years left, seeing as how he is a youngster as Gorilla once stated.

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  93. Holy shit, someone get this fucking kid laid already.

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  94. Now I'm wondering what Jesse Bakers mom looks like. Thanks for that

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  95. Hahaha, oh please God let that be the reason these two wastes are stuck in orbit around each other. So perfect.

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  96. I don't know the whole story, that's why I asked Dougie. Dougies mentioned once some back history between them on a comic book subscription list or something. They definitely have a long history of dislike though

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  97. A comic book subscription list?! This never ceases to get sadder I love it.

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  98. Bruiser Brody will NOT be subscribing to his magazine, I'm certain.

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  99. Tremendous. That IS exactly how the blog seems to feel about the WWE

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  100. Fun Fact about Canada: It's illegal to drag a dead horse down Young street (Largest street in Toronto) on a Sunday. Only on a Sunday according to the book.

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  101. You realize you're commenting on a wrestling blog George clooney?

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  102. Do you have memento disease?

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  103. Trying to figure out what it says that eveyone's saying Jesse is crazy, but no one is saying Jesse is wrong.

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  104. Or as Big Show would call it, "chanting 'Yes!!!'"

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  105. Way to help out, Dude in the Red Mask. Colon's catching a naked asskicking and you're politely tapping Abby on the shoulder. "Senor, let him put some pantalones on at least, por favor."

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  106. Well, SOMEBODY had to make that joke. I mean, it was right there on a tee.

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  107. Man... when certain things affect you this much, it's time to get away from it.

    (Yeah, it's wrong to say, but I picture him like Grampa Simpson at the typewriter: There's too many states! Get rid of some")

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  108. Well, with recent advances in medicine, the average citizen's chances of dying from AIDS versus being held down by HHH are roughly the same.

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  109. JBL's favorite angle.

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  110. That's my best answer as to why I still watch.

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  111. Or the fellas, if that's his thing.

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  112. That's not even necessarily true. Just because the future planning isn't what WE want it to be, doesn't mean that they're not doing future planning. Let's say the "future plan" was to get Randy Orton over as a top level heel and legitimize the World Heavyweight Championship through a John Cena reign? They've accomplished that. The future plan, in their eyes, never might have been to make Daniel Bryan into a major star (although, in my opinion, they accomplished that also).

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  113. And ALS. Was born with only 7 fingers and toes also.

    Got my answer below.

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  114. "Use a pen, Sideshow Bob."

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  115. Jesse is only saying the things all of you say in a way that you can see how stupid everyone's complaints really are. Bless his soul Jesse has been mocking you guys for many months yet y'all don't see it.

    Ps: he really is a nutjob, but this was amazing trolling.

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  116. Porn-Peddling Jef VinsonNovember 10, 2013 at 2:23 PM

    I wouldn't have a problem if they did this with Divas or Knockouts..

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  117. Hey Canada its ok to give a shout out to your "royal navy" if u want?

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  118. This is my neck of the woods. Let me tell you a bit about Birmingham, because I always enjoy when you guys talk about certain US states or cities and the types of crowds there.


    It isn't a wrestling hotbed of any kind. It does have a big arena and it is roughly in the center of the UK. So you can see that logistically it makes sense to stop there on tour. The nearest born famous (as far as USA cares) wrestler is Regal, but not in kayfabe terms. Only big angle there I remember was the 97 PPV where Shawn beat Bulldog for the Euro title.


    It has a really varied mix of people, it is known for being as much a melting pot of cultures and classes as you can find here.


    So, what I am saying is it is just a city, the fans there are not remarkably smarkish or an unfair representation of fans. Just zealous, excited fans.


    Congrats then WWE for pissing them all off and provably wasting Bryan's momentum. I know it is only a secondary market but FFS, how long before someone releases a DVD called The Self Destruction Of The WWE?

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  119. Porn-Peddling Jef VinsonNovember 10, 2013 at 2:34 PM

    He's immune to AIDS.

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  120. Porn-Peddling Jef VinsonNovember 10, 2013 at 2:35 PM

    ...still processing this shit like a 5 year old PC.

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  121. I always wondered if that was Monsoon ribbing the guy, considering the WWF audience probably had little idea who he was.

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  122. He's been doing this a lot longer than months.

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  123. Right. And not because he can't get any pussy... Chris Walker gets LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAID!!!

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  124. Canada has a military!?!?!?!?

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  125. Porn-Peddling Jef VinsonNovember 10, 2013 at 3:05 PM

    He's banging 12 chicks as we speak. (And that's because it's Sunday and he's trying to rest.)

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  126. He's not as young as he used to be!


    He found this out at a party last night where despite being bored out of his mind he had his first post separation rebound bang at the end of the night.


    To be clear this is not a thinly veiled metaphor for me...

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  127. That's all on stupid WWE booking, though, not the Shield. The three of them have done what they can with what they've been given. Reigns' funny comments show more personality than Randy Orton and HHH combined ever do (though that's not saying too much). Ambrose has Foley-level mic skills if they'd ever let him say something interesting. Rollins, despite the weird blonde streak, is one of the best workers they have. At least the riot gear sets them apart.

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  128. It would be wonderful if that was true, unfortunately this guy has been at it for years and years and years, with no flaws in the character or changes in the style. He's real.

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  129. No Belly-to-Back suplex?..

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  130. Actually Layla was savagely spanked in the dressing room shower during the 06 summerslam ppv. But seeing as how we've just passed the 7 year mark on that show maybe they can re use this angle on total divas...

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  131. If only they could find a Diva as stacked as Abdullah.

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  132. ARRRRGH THE BARBARIANNovember 10, 2013 at 3:53 PM

    Same thing happened in Dublin too. Post WM Raw is going to be a hoot since a disproportionate amount of the people there (especially down low) are from overseas.

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  133. Thank you for this information. It adds even more weight to the theory that the "Bryan is an Internet hero but can't draw an audience at-large" is off-base.

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  134. It's far too thorough and obsessive to be an act. You'd see cracks in this, were it an act.

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  135. Yonge, for the record.

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  136. Yep, that was my intent. I like Bryan a lot. I'm a SID mark too. This whole "anti-smark" thing is misguided and prejudicial and I can only hope in vain that this event helps prove that.

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  137. Downvotes are insanely irrelevant.

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  138. Yes, as sex solves absolutely everything.

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  139. Now that's showing ass in a feud.

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  140. What a great sense of humor! You've got to be a huge hit at parties!

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  141. The difference is this.

    I (and most people) ay "Huh, I think the WWE is really dropping the ball recently" and move on with our lives. We don't write several hundred word angry hate-filled creeds and insane fantasy booking plans (and then get angrie when WWE books differently).

    When I don't like what's happening on RAW, I stop watching. Jesse on the other hand keeps watching and just gets angrier and angrier, and will probably drive himself to a stroke if he keeps it going.

    Whether he's right or wrong, anybody who gets this worked up over a TV show or sporting event (or whatever pro wrestling is) really needs to learn how to take a step back.

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  142. Abdullah should have hog-tied him and threatened to anally rape him to really push the angle.

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  143. Alright, you've flattered me successfully. Cheers to that!

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  144. Porn-Peddling Jef VinsonNovember 10, 2013 at 7:45 PM

    If by stacked you mean "Free of Hepatitis" I agree.

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  145. Porn-Peddling Jef VinsonNovember 10, 2013 at 7:49 PM

    ...still working..I just can't...

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  146. Cheers was a great show. Am I doing this "be a literal bore" thing correctly?

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  147. This just blew my mimf

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  148. Doesn't make any difference to the point I made. He's saying just what everyone says in here but is ostracized because he says it in an irrational way that makes him sound like a nutjob.

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  149. http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bP6k59dMHBI/UnQmzKaljjI/AAAAAAAAZUA/3ZDsMcXw4d0/s400/grumpy-cat-8141_preview_zps9177ab07.png

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  150. Your point was that he's trolling, and he isn't. Trolls write letters like this then engage with the entire comment section. Baker doesn't really ever try to fight with people. For him to be "mocking" us via his insane redundant ramblings he'd have to be aware any of us even exist.

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