The SmarK RAW Rant–01.27.2014

The SmarK RAW Rant – 01.27.2014

I figured I might as well catch up since I had the day off anyway. This will be an interesting experiment for me now, actually, because I manage the TV department at work and I’ve been booking myself on Monday nights and then putting RAW on as background noise. So basically I can half-watch the entire 3-hour show and then recap the 90 minute one on Hulu and see what the differences are. I can tell you right now that the original version of this show bored the fuck out of me, even while not paying particular attention to it.

THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS ALERT: Hulu is offering a compilation of the Super Bowl ads this year, which is like the Holy Grail for Canadians because we never get to see any of them. However, the compilation of ads is, in itself, sponsored by ANOTHER AD. WHO ARE THE AD WIZARDS THAT CAME UP WITH THIS ONE?

Live from Cleveland, OH

Your hosts are Michael Cole, JBL & Jerry Lawler

The Authority is here to start us out with a POINT TO SIGN. And tonight they’re heels, for those keeping scores. HHH immediately trolls the crowd by calling them whiny babies for the Daniel Bryan thing and then talks up Batista again, noting that he’s their “good friend”. So does that mean they’re babyfaces or Batista is supposed to be a heel? So their big announcement is Randy Orton defending the title in the Chamber, which brings out Daniel Bryan.

OK, time out. What the fuck was the point of all the “Brock Lesnar is the #1 contender because he says so” stuff that we went through for the past month? We now know he’s not working the Chamber PPV, and definitely not getting a title shot there or at Wrestlemania, so what was that storyline even supposed to be leading towards? He destroys Big Show and then leaves again for two months? Because I know I’m just a smark that’s apparently beneath HHH’s boot, but that doesn’t seem like optimal usage of a guy you’re paying millions of dollars a year for. OK, time in again.

So Daniel rightly bitches about not getting entered in the Rumble, and the Authority gives the condescending “Well, we didn’t want to make you work twice” answer. Bryan points out that they make him work twice all the time against the Shield and Wyatts, and HHH is somehow even more smarmy with “That’s a fair point, so we didn’t want to make you do it again.” See, HHH is a FANTASTIC heel when he’s doing that “smart-ass for evil” gimmick, which is why it’s so frustrating when he bounces back and forth from week to week. If he’s the asshole who’s cutting off the babyface’s demands with his corporate doublespeak and leading to someone getting revenge on him, GREAT. But the problem comes when he does the same thing to heels and kills their heat in the process. Bryan wants into the Chamber, but the Shield appears like magic and starts a beatdown. And then Sheamus makes the save, as does John Cena, which would presumably set up a six-man main event. Good enough to start.

Rey Mysterio & Sin Cara v. The Real Americans

The masked men double-team Cesaro to start, and Sin Cara gets a springboard elbow for two and dumps Swagger for a dive. Uncle Zeb slaps Swagger around to get him focused again, and indeed he takes over in the ring. The Canucks should hire him to coach instead of Tortorella. At least Zeb gets results. We take a break and return with Cesaro missing a charge, allowing the hot tag to Rey. Top rope senton and bulldog for Cesaro gets two. Low kick gets two. 619 into a Sin Cara senton, but it misses, and Cesaro levels Cara with a forearm and finishes with the Neutralizer at 8:23. Good to see Cesaro getting it done when Swagger couldn’t. **

Brad Maddox brings out Randy Orton, as we will continue having him shoved down our throats and WE WILL LIKE IT. Batista interrupts and the crowd immediately starts trying to trip him up with Daniel Bryan chants. He’s leaving Wrestlemania with the title, and nothing is going to change that! I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments. Brock Lesnar now joins us, and Paul Heyman has two choices for Maddox: Either give Brock a title match tonight, or a match with Batista. Of course, neither would end up happening, because WWE.

Kofi Kingston v. Alberto Del Rio

ADR is still really upset with Batista and expressing his anger via INSET PROMOS, as only happens in wrestling. I’m more upset with Kofi’s god-awful tights recently, but whatever floats his boat. Kofi pounds away in the corner, but gets booted down by Del Rio and clotheslined for two. Del Rio bails and Kofi follows with a dive, but walks into an enzuigiri coming back in. Michael Cole, after five years, is still trying to get “controlled frenzy” over as a thing. It’s not a thing, it’s not gonna happen, give it up. Back in, Del Rio grabs a chinlock and gets an elbow off the second rope and the crowd is already bored and chanting for JBL. They slug it out on the top rope and no one cares, as we take a break. Back with Kofi getting a rollup for two, which has Cole thrilled at the prospect of building momentum. SOS gets two. You have to wonder if Michael Cole starts yelling about BUILDING MOMENTUM when he’s having sex, and then wants to create separation when he’s done. Typical man. Anyway, Del Rio tries the armbar, but gets the backstabber instead for two. To the top, but Kofi follows with a superplex attempt, which Del Rio turns into a half-assed curb stomp ala Low-Ki. Superkick finishes at 13:20. You have to love how they highlight Kofi’s big Rumble moment and then job him out right away, in order to build up the guy for Batista to squash at the Chamber PPV. And then they’re like “Duh, why doesn’t anyone ever get over, duh?” Match was fine. **1/2

WWE tag team titles: The New Age Outlaws v. Cody Rhodes & Goldust

I still don’t get the point of switching the titles. And I’m guessing the Outlaws are supposed to be heels, but they still do the whole babyface spiel before the match. Further through the looking glass, as the washed up Outlaws get their spot and titles because they’re friends with HHH in real life, doing a storyline where they got their spot and titles because they’re friends with HHH. Which is kind of even funnier because their original deal was that they were the miscreants who clearly were out of their league and cheated their way to the belts by beating teams better than them, and then nostalgia somehow turned them into a good team. So it’s like “Here’s this washed up team who only got their spot because of friendship with the boss, but we’re gonna put them over the champions clean and act like they’re awesome as well.” The messages are more mixed than a Jim Ross blog update. Anyway, meta-weirdness aside, the Outlaws attack Goldust and Road Dogg controls with a chinlock, but they bail and we take a break. Geez, remember when Road Dogg and Goldust were feuding over the I-C title FIFTEEN YEARS AGO? It makes it all the more amazing how easily Goldust has slipped back into his role and how out of place the Outlaws look. Back with Goldust busting out a flip powerbomb on Dogg for two (see what I mean?) and it’s hot tag Cody, who runs wild on the very old and slow looking Outlaws, until Gunn gets a clothesline to cut him off. This brings out Brock Lesnar for the DQ at 10:00 and he destroys the Rhodes. * This of course leads to nothing, because apparently their plan for getting to Undertaker is:

1. Brock wants a title match and declares himself #1 contender.

2. ???

3. Undertaker match and PROFIT.

Jake Roberts is introduced as the newest Hall of Famer. Hopefully he locks Warrior in a room full of cobras again before the ceremony.

Daniel Bryan, John Cena & Sheamus v. The Shield

Apparently the winners of this match are entered into the Elimination Chamber, the announcement of which was actually deleted from the Hulu version. Cena trades headlocks with Rollins until Cena slugs him down, which brings Reigns and Sheamus in. Reigns pounds on him, but Sheamus gets a neckbreaker for two. Back to Rollins, but Sheamus dominates him until a cheapshot turns the tide. Over to Daniel Bryan to wake up the crowd again, and the faces work Rollins over. Sheamus with a legdrop for two. Double suplex gets two for Cena. Rollins comes back with a clothesline as we take a break from the HIGH STAKES, HIGH DRAMA. Yes, the chance for John Cena to get yet another title shot! High drama indeed. Back with Rollins choking Cena out, which sets up the Reigns apron dropkick for two. The superman punch follows, and that move is gonna win Best Finisher in the awards next year, mark my words. Cena RISES ABOVE SUPERMAN and dumps Reigns, but Roman puts him down again for two. Ambrose runs Cena into the corner, and Rollins cuts off the tag for more shenanigans in the heel corner. Ambrose with a suplex for two. And this just keeps going and going with Ambrose controlling Cena, until finally it’s hot tag Bryan. Dive for Ambrose and he kicks the hell out of everyone, but Reigns spears Cena. Bryan dumps him, but Rollins gets a rollup for two. They slug it out and Rollins powerbombs him into the corner for two. To the top, but the stomp misses and Bryan makes the comeback before missing a charge. Rollins with a rollup, but Bryan reverses into the Yeslock. Ambrose breaks it up and Sheamus gets rid of him, allowing Bryan to make the tag to Cena to save the day. STF on Reigns, but he powers out, and the Wyatts magically appear for the shit DQ at 21:22. Wow, what a thrilling way for the babyfaces to get their title shot. ***1/4 Hell of a match before that cop-out finish, though.

The Pulse

That was quite the underwhelming finish to the show, to say the least. And definitely not worth sitting through a boring, go-nowhere show to get to, either.

And so, time to take a lunch break and return with this week’s RAW later in the afternoon!