The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 05.23.94
My Wii is getting a bit out of control now, as I picked up a pair of classic controllers to play Mario 64, and then got Super Mario Sunshine on GameCube again before realizing that you need an actual GC controller to play THAT. Ever try to find one of those things at a reasonable price? Ugh. Why doesn’t Nintendo just MAKE some more? They make the Wii backwards compatible but don’t actually give a shit about supporting it or making it easy. So just to recap now, for my one, third-most-used system, I have Wiimotes (and nunchuks), 2 classic controllers, 2 SNES-shaped classic controllers for the Mario games on the Virtual console, and now a generic wireless GC controller for my GC games. Some of these are compatible with each other in certain circumstances and with certain games, most are not. For my PS3, which also boasts a large library of downloaded vintage games on the PSN, I have ONE (1) controller that does everything because they didn’t completely redesign the fucking thing with every new generation since it worked the first time. Point to Sony.
Anyway, we are finally at the start of a new taping cycle, and Earthquake has been written out by Yokozuna’s ass. Last week’s show might have been the bottom of the barrel, but I don’t want to speak too soon because shit like Fake Undertaker is still coming.
LIVE from the Struthers Fieldhouse in Youngstown, OH! Where the FUCK is that? What does that hold, like 1000 people? A quick check reveals that in fact this was a sellout of 1500. That wouldn’t even make back broadcast costs!
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Randy Savage.
King of the Ring Qualifier: Owen Hart v. Doink the Clown
Owen attacks to start and chokes away on the ropes as I marvel at how this is an arena that TNA would be embarrassed to be filming in. Owen counters a headlock with a backdrop suplex and drops a flying elbow for two. Owen bails for some shenanigans with the midget, but he trips up Doink and goes to the leg as we take a break. Back with Owen hitting a leg lariat for two and going to the chinlock. Owen with a camel clutch, which Vince calls a “bow and arrow” before correcting himself to “Boston crab”. How do you get that wrong? Even Randy Savage is speechless. They clothesline each other and Doink comes back with a belly to belly for two and hammers away in the corner. However, this brings out JJ to run distraction, and Owen gets the rollup for the pin at 12:34. They were doing distraction finishes on RAW 20 years ago! **1/4
King of the Ring Report with Todd. The bracket continues slowly taking shape, and it’s Lawler v. Piper in the Battle of Century! Because their ages add up to 100 years.
Duke “The Dumpster” Droese v. Barry Horowitz
David Sahadi actually gets a shoutout from Vince here after the “Unbelievable” TV spot with the douche who gets beat up by Razor Ramon (Remember “He ain’t so tough.”?). Duke throws Barry around, but gets caught with an axehandle off the top and Horowitz works on the arm. Duke comes back with a spinebuster and drops an elbow to finish at 2:51. Mike Droese was an OK worker, but this gimmick was such a dog.
IRS v. Gary Sabaugh
It’s the Italian Stallion! I never even knew he did shots with the WWF. Irwin drops elbows and goes to a chinlock, and then switches to a hammerlock to really ramp up the excitement. Sabaugh mounts a brief comeback, but IRS puts him away with the lariat at 4:15.
The King’s Court with Lex Luger, and boy howdy does he have problems with that Crush guy, mostly since Mr. Perfect gave notice and thus no longer exists. Crush comes out to defend himself, but Luger chases him off with Lawler’s throne, as assuredly they’ll partake in fisticuffs at the Wrestlemania Revenge Tour, coming to an arena near you!
Nikolai Volkoff v. MATT HARDY
OH SHIT! Hardy looks like he’s 16 here (although he’s the same age as me so that would make him 19 here) with a crew cut and dorky green tights. What’s with the “HV” on his ass, though? Volkoff throws him around with a butterfly suplex and slams him out of the corner before finishing with a terrible Boston Crab at 2:34. Who seriously thought that Volkoff could draw any money in 1994?
Next week: Tatanka v. Jimmy Del Rey in a King of the Ring Qualifier! Set your DVR right now!
Matt Hardy 1994 main eventer! HV=Hardy Version 0.0?
ReplyDeleteI have an unopened GC controller if you want it.
ReplyDeleteHV = High Voltage, his indy name (and the name he used in a videotape that aired on WCW TV when they were running the "Amateur Challenge").
ReplyDeleteAlso speaking as a born and raised Ohioan: Youngstown is a city that Clevelanders look to in order to feel better about themselves. It's like Detroit but with less to offer--total rotting Rust Belt city. And the WWF couldn't even run the big university arena--they ran a damned high school gym!
ReplyDeleteFollowing up, the absolute worst venue I've ever seen by *any* major, national or wannabe-national promotion was a place the WWF ran in early '94, where they the "Road to WrestleMania" special. It's in some place called Locksheldreke, New York and the History of WWE doesn't even know the name of the venue. I don't think it's on the Network but if you can find it on Youtube, it looks like--literally--an industrial basement.
ReplyDeleteI'm a fan of a small, intimate arena setting and I don't necessarily mind wrestling in a TV studio either. But this place made the Techwood Drive TBS set look like Radio City Music Hall.
I'm not so sure the 1500 people in this shitty arena even bought any tickets. They probably had people going up to random strangers on the street and saying "Would you like to watch some SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT?" and begging them to sit and watch RAW.
ReplyDeleteWavebird or wired?
ReplyDeleteYay another qualifying match WWF didn't follow through with.
ReplyDeleteYou could tell Vince was on another planet at this point. Booking was just all OVER the place and there was no care put into followup.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume there's an angle to set this switch up. For God's sake, they were taping next week's show that same night, right? They *had* to have already known it'd be Crush. I guess we'll find out in a few days.
ReplyDeleteWindows 3.1
ReplyDeleteHorowitz (is not who) Wins
ReplyDelete"Why doesn’t Nintendo just MAKE some more?"
ReplyDeleteScott, your best bet is to go third-party with GameCube accessories now. Nintendo is only working on making Wii accessories that can be used on Wii U.
Also, I hope you weren't planning to play online, because the Nintendo Wi-Fi Connection on Wii is dead, as of Tuesday. It's a casualty of Gamespy going under.
uh, i think that was his point!
ReplyDeleteI paid something like $40 for a Wavebird back when they first came out in 2002. Most stores didn't even stock them because people threw shitfits because the controllers didn't have a vibration feature, and the prices skyrocketed when the Wii came out and I guess have remained high.
ReplyDeleteI think you can play the N64 virtual console games with a Gamecube controller too but I honestly haven't played my Wii in years. I pretty much buy Nintendo games for the sake of collecting them now.
You're the same age as Matt Hardy? I would not have guessed that.
ReplyDeleteScott I demanded a drunken Candain History and you did not deliver, you can't keep ignoring your shareholders like this Scott! Maybe you should be ousted as CEO of the blog and Bayless should take over!
ReplyDeleteThe Keith Corporation is a privately-held concern, I am sure!
ReplyDeleteI'm sure we can stage a hostile takeover if need be.
ReplyDeleteYou upvotes your own comment? That's such a douchey thing to do, typical Canadian!
ReplyDeleteI didn't even know you could do that until just now. Kinda makes upvotes seem even less important.
ReplyDeleteFun Fact: Smashing Pumpkins was the first concert I went to at the age of 15!
ReplyDeleteUpvotes/Downvotes were NEVER important. They are imaginary Internet points. Never understood why some people got riled up over getting Downvoted (I'm not including the snarky comments).
ReplyDeleteThat Doink-Owen match was actually getting good. Obviously, the ending was never in doubt, but I wish they had given it a better ending.
ReplyDeleteWell I certainly would get "riled up" over something so trivial. "Mildly bemused" is about the extent of it.
ReplyDeleteOthers, of course, are much more easily slighted.
ReplyDeleteCase in point!
ReplyDeleteAnd who gives a guy an elbow drop as a finisher?
ReplyDelete"My wii is getting a bit out of control now..."
ReplyDeleteThat's what she said.
This is pretty much how TNA operates now.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I've ever even used the back touchpad on my Vita...
ReplyDeleteWhen Rock hits the people's elbow, he does it in tribute to Mike Droese.
ReplyDeleteThis version of Doink was a pretty good worker, shame he got saddled with the clown gimmick. Not that he could have been a star or anything, but he could of at least been known as that guy that puts people over in good matches rather being known as a guy that hangs out with a midget clown.
ReplyDeleteAnd Billy Corgan was the first person you ever masturbated to?
ReplyDeleteAnd worst build quality. Actually, that's not fair, I have seen and used working examples of a PS/PS2 controller, something I can't say about the Atari 5200. Of course, the 5200 came out the same year I was born, but that's not the point...
ReplyDeleteAnd the 360 and SNES are the best controller designs ever, fuck that split d-pad.
Think finding GC pads is hard? Try finding a S-model (the smaller one) X-Box controller. I've yet to see one at any of my local stores, main reason I sold my original X-Box.
ReplyDeleteI have a wired GC controller around somewhere too, I think. If I can find it, assuming I didn't already give it to someone else, you can have it. All this talk about (sort of) old school video games makes me want to go over to my mom's house and bust out the NEO-GEO CD and play some Metal Slug and KOF. Though come to think of it, she probably doesn't have a TV old enough that I can hook it up to it.
I was up voting his comment and it popped up above the arrow that along with myself Aric had upvoted his comment and made an amusing observation.
ReplyDeleteI wish!
ReplyDeletePiss off.
ReplyDeleteI did not see a few of those swerves coming. The Stan thing especially.
ReplyDeleteI went out for a while, but all these were hilarious.
ReplyDeleteTrue, but the ones not involving Hogan were a LOT cheaper.
ReplyDeleteNo, it's only the online games that have gone down. The Wii Shop, internet browser, and yes, Netflix will still work perfectly fine.
ReplyDelete" as assuredly they’ll partake in fisticuffs at the Wrestlemania Revenge Tour, coming to an arena near you!"
ReplyDeleteAka, a 30 minute stall fest loaded with tests of strength, where Luger wins on a rollup!! WELL WORTH THE $15 I SPENT!!
I just watched that the other night on my original VHS copy from when it aired live. It is insanely small and hilarious to see. I believe it is also the resort town that Dirty Dancing was set in, so there is that.
ReplyDeleteHuh, it doesn't sound like total BS but it is a bit fishy (being at one of the most famous concerts ever). It's possible your grandparents took her at8 years old. I can see why somebody might want to lie about it though, it's pretty cool if she was there. When you get to the bottom of it let me know. I would have hated going to that concert live (if I was alive) as the dumbass girls were screaming their heads off and you couldn't hear the music. Who goes to a concert and just screams? You should, I dunno, listen to some of the music with big pops in between songs.
ReplyDeleteShane getting experience running other companies outside the WWE bubble could be a good thing if he comes back, never hurts to have a fresh perspective.
ReplyDeleteWasn't Dumpster Droese ranked incredibly low on a PWI 500 back then? Seems like I remember seeing that
ReplyDeleteHe was #500 before WWF signed him.
ReplyDeletefavorite PWI 500 memory ever: around 2002: #499: Shane McMahon, #500, RVD
ReplyDeleteGET IT? BECAUSE THEY JUST DO SPOTS, AND THEY DON'T ACTUALLY WORK WITH CHAIN WRESTLING,LULZ!!
Yeah, the vast majority of the stories there are rumors and fiction (There's more confirmed than I would have thought...), but that one's too... wrong... to not take a stab at in some way.
ReplyDeleteThe Wavebirds were FUCKING AWESOME. I never had an issue with the four I bought, and their range + reliability was quite great for the year they came out.
ReplyDeleteI still have all four, and they all still work great.
I had no idea that Droese was in the WWF at this point.
ReplyDeleteIt's crazy that he and HHH were in 1996 and where their careers went after that.
Those shitty outfits the Hardys wore in 1998 has to be Windows '95 then.
ReplyDeleteWiki Answers says he went to Walden College so take that for what it's worth:
ReplyDeletehttp://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_college_did_Triple_H_go_to?#slide=2
damn,
ReplyDeleteI like how when Owen is jawing into the camera before his match, he gives away his opponent's name (Doink) while Vince and Savage are still playing up to the audience about a mystery opponent...
ReplyDeleteIt's the sense of entitlement. Talk to a Yankees fan about that.
ReplyDeletealso hoarding up unused lunch money for comics.
ReplyDeleteIt's a good thing Duke was using GHB on ringrats instead of Stephanie. Can you imagine how angry the stockholders would be to see a GARBAGEMAN in position to take over the entire company?!
ReplyDelete"Earthquake has been written out by Yokozuna’s ass" - spit out my coffee
ReplyDeleteHe was on another planet...it's called "Planet Shit I Might Have to Spent Time in the Clink."
ReplyDeleteYou have to love how two of the jobbers (Hardy, Horowitz) at one point would be more over than most of the featured talent on this show.
ReplyDeleteComing in to this year I had way lower hopes than last (even coming off of Bobby Vs debacle). This year we just had the same players a year older minus Ells and Drew (until now) and were banking on Nava being adequate again (which I never had hope for) and Xavier just being the man from day 1. I was very nervous that this season would go how it has so far, they need at least 1 more bat, probably 2.
ReplyDeleteImagine if the Patriots started off looking so bad.
ReplyDeletesecond that, Wavebirds are incredible and have never had an issue with them.
ReplyDeleteJust like Jericho.
ReplyDelete"SCOTT YOU LEFT THE SEAT DOWN AGAIN!!"
ReplyDeleteMy Tv is way across the room. I'm only looking for wireless stuff.
ReplyDeleteAnd the name they stole from him to give to the 'roided-out tag team a few years later. I think he said Italian Stallion would bring him and Jeff to do TV jobs, even though they weren't legal age to wrestle yet.
ReplyDeleteNo no no. "That's what she said" isn't the cool, hip thing to say anymore.
ReplyDeleteIt's "Sounds like my prom night." It's much more versatile.
You can turn that function off, can't you?
ReplyDeleteHonestly, the shareholders have less faith in Bayless because he doesn't have the business acumen that Scott has.
ReplyDeleteI thought they stole the name from the GWF tag team of the same name in its dying months.
ReplyDeleteThe 360 controller is like if a playstation controller was designed by Play School. Too chunky for my taste.
ReplyDeleteReally? with all the money that Scott left on the table 2 months ago?
ReplyDeleteMy first concert was the Metallica-GNR SuperShow (Seriously, thats what it was billed as) at the New Orleans Superdome. It was right after the Black Album, and the opener was Faith No More.
ReplyDeleteWiki on Wiki violence!
ReplyDeleteThose early PWI 500's were so desperate for padding Zeus made it in 1990 or 1991 for working 1 match in WWC with Abdullah the Butcher. Pretty sure every WWF Manager was listed, too.
ReplyDeleteIn '94 they have the reverse of the problem they have now. It's all 50/50 booking today but back then they protected everyone. If Owen was the #1 heel why would he need help to beat Doink? Luger or someone, ok? But Doink?
ReplyDeletebetter yet, I'll program my VCR!
ReplyDeleteYeah originally, there weren't a lot of wrestlers to choose from back in the day so being ranked 500 was considered disgraceful, but now there's a ton of indy guys that would kill to be in the top 500.
ReplyDeleteThe ESPN 30 for 30 about Maurice Clarette and Jim Tressel does a nice job profiling and illustrating the horrificness of Youngstown...
ReplyDeleteHe was blackballed, right?
ReplyDeleteI didn't know the Wavebird worked with the Wii.
ReplyDeleteI preferred the N64 controller, but Playstation is a close second.
ReplyDeleteWhat's the WORST controller ever? Try as I might, I've never liked the Wii. That nunchuck thing is so fucking stupid.
This is Ray Apollo, correct? I know he was the face Doink for most of that run, but I wasn't sure if anyone else was playing the role, too.
ReplyDeleteI would have marked the fuck out, if Rock had ever said, "Now, it's time to take out the garbage!"
ReplyDeleteMy Dad was at that show too, he was around the same age as your mom I think, and he can confirm how loud it was. He's said you couldn't understand anything they were saying/playing.
ReplyDeleteFirst concert for me was either an in-store performance of They Might be Giants at a Record Town (dunno if I can count that, as it's not really a "concert") or Reel Big Fish/Goldfinger/Zebrahead.
I was trying to think of something HV could stand for that doubled as a fat joke, but all I could come up with was "Ham Vortex," which doesn't make a lick of sense. It DOES sound delicious however. Mmm... ham vortex...
ReplyDeleteMatt Hardy is fat, is the point I'm trying to make.
(Now I'm thinking of other stuff that AREN'T fat jokes... hairy vagina? Happy velociraptor? Horrific vomiting? I'm a little off today, those suck too.)
I always liked their green plaid look.
ReplyDeleteAbout your Wii problem Scott, just get a Ouya. That system has emulators for nearly every gaming console and a whole lot more.
ReplyDeleteYou try pissing when you're drunk.
ReplyDeleteWhy would it matter if Triple H is a "business person?" Do they mean that investors care whether he has a business degree or not? Because I'm pretty sure that being that entrenched in the backstage workings of the company and having someone like VINCE MCMAHON has his teacher and mentor is a better way of educating him in how to run the business as the CEO than any school could teach you. Hands-on experience is the best type of learning.
ReplyDeleteHorsemen replaced Team Piper because the Team Piper segment bombed in the ratings.
ReplyDeleteIf I wasn't so lazy, I would check out the show. Those promos for the current season were fantastic.
ReplyDeleteSo wouldn't logic dictate that Steph does the business while HHH does the wrestling part?
ReplyDeleteand the headless corpse of John Cena just carries around the jar?
ReplyDeleteTim White hanging himself would be like when Frank Reynolds tried to hang himself after he got caught up in a ponzi scheme.
ReplyDeleteHe's not even an active performer, yet a Shane return would probably the only thing left in Wrestling right now that would legit make me mark out.
ReplyDelete