The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW–08.22.94

The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 08.22.94

So this is a taped repackage of the Sunday Night Slam show from the night before, with commentary redone. I assume it’s still from Lowell, Massachusetts like last week.

Your hosts are Vince & Macho in the studio and Jim Ross & Gorilla Monsoon on commentary.

Lex Luger v. Crush

Finally, the TV blowoff of the house show feud that had been boring audiences around the country! Watching the buildup for Summerslam 94 makes me wonder why the hell I even ordered it at the time. Luger works an ALL AMERICAN headlock to start and the crowd is going crazy even though everyone on screen is sitting down and looking bored. Not to mention there are literally dozens of empty seats visible in the low sections. Crush pounds away and tries a piledriver, but Lex powers out and puts him onto the floor with an ALL AMERICAN shoulderblock. Back in, Crush goes to work on the back and gets a backbreaker for two. They slug it out and Crush goes to a camel clutch and pounds on the back for two. This makes soccer look exciting and high-stakes by way of comparison. And now it’s the bearhug as Ted Dibiase joins us and we take a break. Back with Luger getting a small package for two, but Crush keeps slowly pounding on the back before they finally collide for the double KO. Luger comes back with clotheslines and a DDT for two, but Crush kicks him in the back to put him down again. Dibiase offers to buy Crush, but gets chased off (huh?) and Lex finishes with the STAINLESS STEEL FOREARM OF DEATH at 15:08. That was a weird finish. I bet if Dibiase had said the money was for guns or drugs Crush would have been happy to take it. Or maybe he just thought there was cops in the front row? Was that supposed to start a babyface turn for Crush or something? *1/2

Meanwhile, Savage gets the DNA results back and learns that Lex Luger has sold out, according to SCIENCE. I wonder if they just gave him a bag of coke and a sheet of paper and let him cut loose with this stuff.

Meanwhile, we get a recap of the Owen v. Bret feud thus far.

Earlier this week, (probably earlier this MONTH judging by the taping blocks at the time) Bret gives his side of the story on Superstars. Headline: Jim Neidhart is FAT and also STUPID. That’s just mean. Why cost yourself potential buys from the fat and stupid portion of your audience? Had to be at least 40% or so judging by the explosion of the internet at the time.

Meanwhile, Leslie Nielsen gets Domino’s Pizza delivered by the Undertaker as we’re hitting new lows for the week.

Diesel v. Typhoon

Typhoon chases Diesel out of the ring after a splash, and he gets some advice from Shawn. That advice: “If you feel like you’re going to have to job the title, fake a knee injury and vacate it instead.” Back in, Diesel with a fairly impressive running shoulderblock and an elbow for two. Diesel holds a neck vice while Shawn engages in intellectual discourse with the front row. Good thing he wasn’t on the other side of the ring or he’d only have empty seats to taunt. Seriously, they couldn’t have moved some people over for TV? That’s WCW-level embarrassing. Typhoon pounds away in the corner and gets a corner splash, but Diesel finishes with a running clothesline out of nowhere at 8:00. And to think they put the World title on this guy three months later! DUD

Meanwhile, Razor Ramon and Walter Payton practice their stereo toothpick throwing.

Next week: Tennis!  When we return in two weeks, it’s the fallout from Summerslam, not that this boring show did anything to make me want to see it again.