The SmarK RAW Rant–04.29.13

The SmarK RAW Rant – 04.29.13

I’ve noticed that my “Worst of Wrestling” Kindle book at 99 cents is by far the most popular one, so I dropped the price on almost all the other ones to 99 cents as well in case you want to give them a go. As a special promotion, the 2003 compilation will be FREE from May 1 – May 5, and the Worst of Wrestling will be FREE from May 5 – May 10, so you can try either of those out without shelling anything out. I’m probably going to try this as a pricing model now, where I’ll give them a few months at full price and then drop them later on. The new prices and promotion should come into effect tomorrow, and the full list of what’s available is here: http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias%3Ddigital-text&field-keywords=Scott's+blog+of+doom&rh=n%3A133140011%2Ck%3AScott's+blog+of+doom&ajr=0

Live from Columbus OH

Your hosts are Michael Cole, JBL & Jerry Lawler

Ricardo Rodriguez v. Zeb Colter v. Big E Langston

Winner of this trainwreck gets to pick the stipulation of the trainwreck at the PPV. Big E pounds on Ricardo while Uncle Zeb just stands on the apron. Probably wise. After a couple of minutes of punishment, Langston charges and hits the post, allowing Zeb to come in for an argument with Ricardo about who gets to “finish” him. And of course E recovers and Ricardo gets beat up again. Then suddenly the real wrestlers storm the ring and get rid of Langston, allowing Ricardo to roll up Zeb for the pin. So Alberto Del Rio gets to pick his stipulation. I suppose it’s better than letting people vote for it by Twitter. DUD

John Cena brings out some Make-A-Wish kids, because this is what his character has come to. Bringing out SICK KIDS to get a babyface pop. Sadly, I don’t think my dream of Brock Lesnar coming out giving the Make A Wish kids an F5 is going to come true.

Randy Orton v. Cody Rhodes

Orton is growing his hair back in, which might finally signal the heel turn he’s been wanting for like two years now. Orton works him over for the first few minutes and pounds away in the corner, but Cody manages to avoid the Garvin Stomp and gets his own stomps in the corner. Orton with a suplex for two and he drops the knee for two. Cody with a dropkick for two, but Orton comes back with a clothesline on the floor to set up the draping DDT, which Cody escapes. He also escapes the RKO and we take a break. Back with Orton unconscious on the floor, and Cody rolls him in for two and then chokes away, and it’s chinlock time. Kneedrop gets two as this JUST….KEEPS….GOING. Cody goes up with an elbow and then opts not to cover, instead going back to the top before getting brought down by Orton with a superplex. That gets two. Orton with his usual comeback and the draping DDT, but the world’s most telegraphed RKO attempt gets countered into the Crossroads for two. Disaster kick is reversed into the RKO for the pin at 16:44. I’m kind of intrigued by this notion of filling the endless hours of this show with lengthy matches, but I wish they would have something going on with either guy that they could have talked about during the match. ** Afterwards, we get a random interview by Matt Striker, as Orton has apparently never been so focused, but not so focused that he actually has a PPV opponent or anything. Oh, and poor Cody gets another RKO.

Brie Bella v. Naomi

Naomi gets a Thesz Press and pounds away, then puts Brie on the floor with a dropkick. Of course, the twins switch and Nikki gets the pin at 1:12. However, the other dancer complains and the black ref reverses the decision. That’s RACISM. Man, whoever had Brie Bella in their fantasy pool is gonna be PISSED. DUD

Well that was quite the first hour.

The Shield are out to discuss their ongoing war with the WWE injustices. This brings out 3MB for some reason and they get beaten down, and then Kane & Bryan make the save and then beat up 3MB themselves for some reason. So this is apparently leading to something, sometime, over some issue.

Meanwhile, Jerry Lawler orders a pizza. Last time he did that on live TV, he never got it and then I was left in suspense for DAYS wondering about the status.

Dolph Ziggler v. Kofi Kingston

Why would you even make this match? Neither guy should be losing and they’ve already wrestled probably a million times already, literally. Perhaps a billion. Kofi has pyro again so he must be getting a renewed push again. Ziggler with a headlock, but Kofi comes back with a back elbow and goes up. Ziggler dropkicks him off the apron and to the floor, and we take a break. Back with Kofi fighting out of a chinlock, but Ziggler gets a reverse neckbreaker and misses a blind charge. Kofi comes back with the boomdrop, but Dolph ducks the big kick and gets a DDT off it. That gets two. Kofi with the SOS for two. Trouble in Paradise gets two as AJ puts Dolph’s foot on the ropes, and Big E pulls him out to revive him. This allows Kofi to hit them with a dive, and back in for a cross body that gets two. Kofi goes after Big E and Dolph rolls him up for two, reversed for two by Kofi. Zig Zag finishes at 12:24. Kofi gets destroyed by Big E, as the secondary champion’s curse continues. Honestly, why would anyone even WANT to be US or IC champion at this point? Good match though. ***1/4

Meanwhile, AJ and Kaitlyn act all bitchy to each other, and Kaitlyn gets a mysterious spiked baseball cap from a secret admirer. IS THIS SHOW OVER YET? And whatever happened with Cody Rhodes?

Meanwhile, Ryback barges in on Team Brickie, and they take Cena out of the main event tonight and replace him with the tag champs. Ryback refuses but doesn’t elaborate.

PIZZA UPDATE: They check the computer and it’s been delivered, but people in the front row get it instead of the announcers. So yes, they booked a screwjob finish for a PIZZA DELIVERY.

Jack Swagger v. Zack Ryder

Ryder gets his usual zero offense, as Swagger hits a pair of Swagger Bombs before a third one misses and Zack actually gets a comeback with a baseball slide. Back in, Zack walks into a doctor bomb and the anklelock finishes at 3:00. 1/2*

TUG OF WAR! Mark Henry challenges the might of Tensai and Brodus Clay, and quickly squashes both of them at the art of tug. However, Sheamus interrupts, and the crowd is presumably like “Yes! Now this guy will show Mark Henry he’s not as strong as the record books list him as being!” Henry is about to win, but Sheamus lets go and then lays him out with the Brogue Kick instead. What a sore loser. First he interrupts Henry beating TWO GUYS in a fair fight, and then he attacks him after failing to beat him!

Meanwhile, we’ve somehow had the advertised main event turned into The Shield v. Team Hell No in a handicap match. Brad goes to see Cena, who INSISTS that he’s going to wrestle tonight, bad ankle or no, presumably because DYING CHILDREN are in the audience.

Alberto Del Rio v. Antonio Cesaro

They fight for a suplex and Cesaro wins that battle, the only win he’s had in months, but Del Rio pounds him with shoulderblocks in the corner. Cesaro goes to the arm, but Del Rio comes back with the backstabber and Cesaro bails to escape the armbreaker. And we take a break. Back with Cesaro in control with a double stomp for two, and a gutwrench for two. Forearm in the corner gets two. And we’re over to the chinlock. Ricardo has a very sad attempt to get people chanting for Del Rio, and that’s not happening. Del Rio comes back despite the crowd apathy, but Cesaro cradles for two. Del Rio with a german suplex for two. The crowd gets bored and starts singing as Del Rio goes up and lands on an uppercut, and then Ricardo gets even sadder by trying to start the same “Ole” chant that the crowd was just doing to repurpose it for Del Rio. This is like fourteen levels of pathetic. Cesaro with a rollup for two, but Del Rio turns it into the armbreaker at 13:40. No one gives a shit about Del Rio or whatever lame stipulation he’s choosing for the three-way. ** After all that, his choice is ladder match. How this benefits Del Rio, I have no idea.

DANCE OFF! Fandango v. Great Khali

More embarrassment here, as Fandango actually wins the crowd’s vote for his dancing, and then Khali is awarded the win anyway. And then Fandango attacks Khali and lays him out anyway. So are we supposed to like Fandango or boo him?

The Shield v. Daniel Bryan, Kane and John Cena

The babyfaces beat on Rollins in the corner and Bryan hits Ambrose with the kicks, and Kane comes in with a low dropkick for two. Kane misses the top rope clothesline and Rollins comes in with a double suplex for two, and we take another break. Back with Ambrose elbowing Bryan down for two, and Rollins gets dropkick in the corner for two. Rollins with an armbar and an enzuigiri gets two. Reigns with the chinlock and a samoan drop for two. Hot tag Kane and he hits Ambrose with the sideslam and follows with the top rope clothesline, but he goes outside and gets caught by an Ambrose DDT on the floor. So now Kane is your burned face in peril, but Ambrose talks smack and gets chokeslammed as a result. So it’s over to Cena, who comes back on the Shield, but walks into a spear and gets pinned at 16:28. Ryback glares at him ominously from the stage, apparently having been lured back to the arena by the promise of free pizza, and we’re out. Pretty weak Shield match, actually. **1/2

The Pulse

RAW moved to a five hour show so gradually I barely even noticed it happening.