The SmarK RAW Rant–06.10.13

The SmarK RAW Rant – 06.10.13

I ordered an iPad off Ebay tonight, which makes me feel dirty as a devoted Android user, but DAMMIT I want to play You Don’t Know Jack outside of Facebook and hopefully not have Gmail crash on me all the time.

Live from Richmond, VA, which is a smaller city so it’s only mentioned in passing later in the show.

Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler & JBL

HHH v. Curtis Axel

Holy cow, they’re actually delivering an advertised match! Well, no, as HHH attacks and then Vince immediately comes out to interrupt, and tells the timekeeper to award the match to Axel as a result of a DQ at 0:34. However, HHH uses his powers as COO to restart the match, and Vince comes out again and this time Axel wins by forfeit. That’s a little dubious, even for Vince. So this time HHH restarts it as an Iron Man match, and Vince finally just sends Axel back to the dressing room and confiscates the ringbell. Minor question in all this bullshit I suppose, but why wouldn’t Vince just award the match to HHH?

Dean Ambrose v. Kane

Ambrose chokes him out a bit, but Kane comes back with a backbreaker and drops a knee on the back. Backbreaker and Kane tosses him as another ref runs the emergency backup bell to ringside, and they brawl on the floor. We take a break and return with Ambrose in control with a dropkick as we get yet another plug for someone watching TV on the App. They kind of aimlessly roll around on the mat and Kane blocks a tornado DDT and comes back with another backbreaker for two. Sideslam gets two. They fight on the top and Kane comes down with a flying clothesline and the Shield runs in for the DQ at 10:50. Boy, this was a whole lot of nothing. *1/2

Meanwhile, Vickie announces that Daniel Bryan & Randy Orton challenge for the tag titles at the PPV, and Kane gets a US title shot.

Miz v. Cody Rhodes

Miz fires away, but Cody gets a front suplex for two and tries an indian deathlock for some reason. Miz quickly comes back and finishes with the figure-four at 2:34. * Paul Heyman then comes out and adds Curtis Axel to the IC title match at the PPV. That’s some weird booking.

Meanwhile, Stephanie confronts Vince, because now she’s a babyface again and Vince is the money-grubbing heel promoter again. Ratings in the toilet? MORE MCMAHONS!

Chris Jericho joins us, still trying to find some hook for the Punk match that may or may not happen on Sunday. Much like Jaws 3D, this time it’s really, REALLY personal. This brings out Dolph Ziggler, who offers up Big E for Jericho, right now.

Big E Langston v. Chris Jericho

We’re joined after a break with Langston working the neck, but Jericho tosses him. That backfires as Big E sends him into the stairs, and back in for two. Jericho rolls him up out of the corner, but Langston clotheslines him for two. E goes back to the neck, but Jericho dropkicks him for two. Langston with backbreakers for two as the parade of retarded tweets continues. “Kane as US champ would rock :D” declares one. Are people getting stupider? Ziggler runs interference and Langston puts Jericho down and sets up to finish, but Del Rio runs out to brawl with Ziggler and Jericho finishes with the codebreaker at 6:19. This was fine, Langston’s got nothing going on at the PPV anyway. Although as usual Ziggler looks like a big loser. **1/4

Sin Cara v. Antonio Cesaro

Speaking of big losers, I’m not liking Cesaro’s chances here. Cara quickly tries the ropewalk armdrag, but Cesaro crotches him and stomps away. Uncle Zeb is on commentary, so apparently Swagger v. Sin Cara is the next thrilling feud to headline veteran’s halls everywhere. Like really, isn’t Sin Cara a step WAY down? Can’t they find any bigger Mexican stars for Zeb to hate? Cara gets a flip powerbomb for two, but walks into a backbreaker, a swinging sleeper, and the NEUTRALIZER at 3:44 to finish. Well thank god for that at least. *1/2 No idea what this was on here for.

Meanwhile, Brad and Vickie shill hamburgers. I think the reason they don’t run Canada very much any more is because we don’t have any of their sponsors up here and thus rob them of chances for quality product tie-ins like these.

Randy Orton v. Roman Reigns

Orton stomps him down for two and they brawl outside, where Orton beats on him and gets two in the ring. Reigns slugs him down, but Orton pounds away in the corner before getting dumped to the floor. And we take a break. Back with Roman holding a chinlock, and a clothesline gets two as I find out we’re only at the end of the second hour. I feel like I’ve been watching this show all night. Orton comes back with the draping DDT and the Shield threatens to run in, but Bryan assists in holding them off and it’s some sort of no contest at 13:00. So we’re right into the next match…

Daniel Bryan v. Seth Rollins

Bryan evades him and hits a clothesline as the crowd continues to go nuts for Bryan like no one else on the show. Bryan batters him with kicks and elbows (giving the crowd a chance to “Yes” with each one) and that gets two. Bryan puts him on the floor and follows with a high knee off the apron, and back in for two. Rollins takes him into the turnbuckles to break up the assault, and gets his own surfboard on Bryan. Bryan powers out of it and works the leg, however, then turns it into his own, which then becomes a dragon sleeper. BATTLE SURFBOARD! Rollins escapes with a cheapshot and we take a break. Back with Rollins hitting a dropkick for two and holding a sleeper on the mat, but Bryan does an amazing reversal of an enzuigiri into a kneebar. Bryan comes back with the kicks in the corner and a dropkick for two. More kicks follow, but Rollins gets his enzuigiri for two. He throws his own kicks, but Bryan flips out of a german suplex, so Seth powerbombs him into the corner for two. Never not awesome. Bryan backdrops him to the floor and follows with a dive, but Rollins blocks that and comes back in with the knee, which misses. Bryan gets a german suplex into the big kick for two and makes the comeback. He goes up and suckers Rollins into following, then brings him down with a top rope backdrop suplex that puts both guys down. Orton and Reigns get involved, but Bryan cradles for the pin at 16:32. Bryan is just on another planet of greatness this year. ***3/4

Kaitlyn is out to meet her secret admirer. And it’s Big E Langston, as suspected. And then after all those weeks of buildup, Big E reveals that it was all just AJ messing with her all along. This apparently leads to the LONG awaited title match on Sunday.

Damien Sandow v. R-Truth

Really, this match three hours into the show? Sandow is rocking the 1990 Rick Martel color scheme tonight and finishes with a Side Effect at 3:15. Sheamus comes out afterwards to build up their YouTube match on Sunday.

Meanwhile, Stephanie is looking for HHH. We take a break and return with all three McMahons arguing backstage, until Stephanie leaves HHH and Vince alone together to work it out, and they basically agree that Curtis Axel is a geek not worth their time, and hug it out. What is this storyline even ABOUT?

John Cena is out for a main event interview at 3 hours and 10 minutes into this borefest, and he talks and talks and talks and talks and Ryback talks and talks and talks and they want to FIGHT but Mean Gene Okerlund is like “Gentleman, this is neither the time nor the place!” and the lumberjacks hold them back from fighting, thus literally accomplishing the opposite of everything you would normally expect of lumberjacks surrounding a wrestling ring on a wrestling show. Kind of apropos for this show, I guess.

The Pulse

Illegally download Bryan v. Rollins just to say “fuck you” to WWE and ignore the rest of this one. This PPV might literally be no buys, not just the snarky usual internet thing. Like, literally, NO ONE is buying this show, I bet.