The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact–08.01.13

The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 08.01.13

Live-ish from Wichita Falls in some state I don’t know. Later I learn it’s Texas.

Your hosts are Jeremy Borash & Mike Tenay, as Taz is apparently barred from the building for some reason.

Meanwhile, the mysterious guy offers another August 1 warning. It better not be fucking Tito Ortiz.

Austin Aries joins us to start, as America has voted for Aries v. Styles as the BFG Series match tonight. And he’s gunning for Chris Sabin. This brings out Bobby Roode, and apparently their friendship is OVER.

Bound For Glory Series: Bobby Roode v. Hernandez

The look and sound of this arena is REALLY small-time, and almost the whole thing is blacked out. We’re joined after a break with Hernandez overpowering Roode, but a RR spinebuster gets two. They head to the floor for a brawl, as Hernandez hits the stairs, and Roode gets two off that. Roode whips him around, but Hernandez pulls himself to the top, then misses a flying splash. Roode pounces with the crossface, but Hernandez powers out and comes back with a shoulder tackle. Air Mexico sets up the Border Toss, but Roode escapes and goes low for two. Roode gets flustered and throws chairs in, then uses the distraction to find a beer bottle under the ring, which gives him the pin at 5:33. That was a pretty clunky finish. **

Meanwhile, Eric Young has a plan to make sure Joseph Park doesn’t lose control and get disqualified tonight.

Bound For Glory Series: Jay Bradley v. Joseph Park

Young’s secret plan for Park: Regulation headgear, which will keep him from getting busted open. Bradley runs him into the turnbuckle to no effect, but drop a knee for two. Bradley pounds away with elbows in the corner, but Park cradles for two. Bradley drops elbows for two. Kneedrop gets two. Bradley goes up, and Park brings him down for a boston crab, which Bradley quickly escapes. Bradley with an atomic drop and he pulls the headgear off, but walks into Park’s samoan drop for the pin at 4:20. This was pretty bad, but I’m constantly amazed at the skill required on Park’s part to play someone having a bad match despite being a totally competent worker. We can pin this one on Bradley anyway, as he was lumbering around the ring and not doing much other than playing the bully. *

Chris Sabin v. Manik

Finally either enough people have filed in to light up the camera side, or they’ve smartly moved everyone off the far side, but it looks much better in the arena now. This stuff just looks SO bush-league, though. Stalemate sequence to start and we take a break. Back with Sabin in control and working the arms, but Manik fires off a headscissors and a springboard dropkick. Sabin counters out of Manik’s finisher, but Manik powerbombs him for two. He goes up and Sabin follows for a delayed superplex that gets two. They slug it out and Sabin rolls him up for two. The Hail Sabin finishes at 11:48. Sabin is clearly just a placeholder and doesn’t get main event reactions. *** Bully Ray steps in for the beatdown afterwards.

Meanwhile, Taz is upset at getting banned and breaks into the mysterious white hummer, but there’s a laptop playing the mysterious video.

Meanwhile, Bad Influence squabble about their BFG Series match next week, and Kaz SPILLS THE APPLETINI. Oh, it’s war now.

Gail Kim v. ODB

They fight on the ramp and ODB pounds away for two, but goes up and gets slammed off. Kim chokes away in the corner and gets a dropkick for two. Clothesline gets two. Gail takes her down by the hair and gets two. ODB comes back with a fallaway slam and gets a powerslam for two. Gail escapes and tries the ringpost figure-four, but gets run into the post as a result. They brawl on the floor for the double countout at 6:09. *1/2

Meanwhile, AJ is still jaded and brooding. Dreams are for losers and stuff.

Meanwhile, Bully Ray is still holding the wedding ring over Brooke’s head, but she has vague threats about the contract for the title match if he doesn’t divorce her.

Austin Aries v. AJ Styles

They do some mat wrestling to start and Aries gets a rollup for two. He goes up and gets dropkicked off by Styles, who follows with a crossbody to the floor as we take a break. Back with AJ hitting the dropkick and throwing kicks, and into a dragon suplex that sends Aries to the floor. Nasty. AJ hits the chinlock, but Aries elbows out and comes back with a running clothesline. They fight over a suplex, and Aries gets a backslide for two. Neckbreaker on the apron and Aries goes up with a missile dropkick and corner dropkick, but they fight for a superplex and AJ turns it into a hanging neckbreaker for two. 450 misses and Aries gets the Last Chancery, which AJ fights out of and reverses into the Calf Killer. And then Aries turns that into the brainbuster for two. Aries to the top, but HIS 450 misses now and AJ clotheslines him onto the ramp. AJ tries to follow with a springboard, but Aries trips him up. He tries the brainbuster, but AJ suplexes him onto the ramp. Aries backdrops him onto the floor and follows with a dive, but AJ sends him into the stairs and both guys are dead. Back in, they slug it out and AJ gets his strike combo, so Aries suplexes him on his head, and AJ nails him with the Pele. Both guys are own and the ref counts both down, but Aries gets his shoulder up for the win at 19:01. Amazing match, shit finish. Did they fire the guys who came up with the good finishes or something? ****1/4

Main Event Interview: The Main Event Mafia join us with an offer that Aces & Eights can’t refuse. That offer: A match at Hardcore Justice, where the loser of the fall leaves TNA. Isn’t that just called Friday? Oh, and then it’s fucking Tito Ortiz as the mystery man. This is apparently something that I am supposed to care about.

The Pulse

Good thing that the wrestling was good tonight, because that was one of the lamest payoffs for a mystery man angle since…well…most of the Aces & Eights reveals, I guess. Apparently Bellator is going to try their hand at getting slaughtered by UFC on PPV, and they’re going with Rampage v. Tito as a real main event that they expect people to pay money to see. Promoted on a show where they can’t convince more than 10,000 people to buy THEIR PPVs.

Download the AJ v. Aries match, forget the rest.